People spend millions of dollars each year on shitty home security equipment. If you were to go out and buy something to protect yourself at home, you would probably buy an alarm system or a gun. Wrong and wrong again. Here is why.
Alarm systems don't prevent thieves from breaking into your home, it just puts a time limit on how long they can take snatching your plasma screen TV and your daughter's virginity. Now that alarm system sign out front has become an eye sore instead of your boast to your neighbors. There's nothing like putting a sign up that says, "This house has an alarm system, so move fast while your steal my shit."
Then there are guns. Guns can be very convincing in the right hands, but if you shoot with the accuracy of a seizure victim, forget it. You either won't hit them and they will pound your ass, or worse you will wound them and then they will sue your ass. If that is the case, they just robbed you legally.
If you think tasers or pepper spray are a good tool, you have not hit puberty.
Here is what I suggest for home security, a chainsaw. No one dicks around with someone wielding a chainsaw. I'm willing to say that they are probably the most insane and diverse item you could own, and they are perfect for home security. Nothing makes an intruder's balls retract like the snarl of a chainsaw in the dark.
Here is the scenario. The intruder, who we will call Dave, breaks your back window under the cover of darkness and enters your house. He listens for the alarm or the cocking of a gun. "I'm safe," he thinks, "this will be simple." This bitch just thought wrong. What intruder Dave doesn't know is that you heard him come in and you reached for the chainsaw that is always kept underneath the bed. Intruder Dave wanders the house, but when he hears the growl of the chainsaw coming to life, he shits all the colors of the rainbow. What's worse is he can't tell is if you are coming down the hall or through the fucking wall. If the crook has not fled yet, find him and make him drop his wallet. Be sure to drag your chainsaw, thus carving lines into the floor for dramatic effect. After you take his wallet, hold the chainsaw above your head and give it full throttle. This will send him running and unable to achieve a boner for the next five years.
Bam! Just like that you defended your turf, robbed the thief, and gave yourself an excuse to redo your floor. All thanks to this one beastly machine.
Chainsaws come in all sizes, but regardless, when and intruder sees you buzzing with one towards them, all they can think is "I'm fucked!"
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
It’s Friday, Go F&% Yourself
Fridays have the most potential to piss me off than any other day of the week. In fact, I dread going to work on Fridays because everyone has the same damn conversation they had for every Friday in the past. They can't shut up about how great it is that it is Friday. I'd rather have my face beaten with a lead pipe than listen to this shit all day.
Usually when I ask someone how they are doing, the reply is a relevant answer such as "good" or "I'm tired." On Friday, however, I'll ask someone how it is going and they reply, "It's Friday." No shit. I asked how you were doing, not what day of the week it is asshole. I don't need a human calendar when I have the Maxim version at home.
I am just as excited for the weekend as anyone else who works 40+ hours per week, but I don't turn into a cheerleader for it. If I wanted to express my Friday joy, I would go drop kick a small dog over a house, but I can contain it.
The thing I miss most on Fridays is the lack of intelligent conversations. I would much rather hear about your pet getting neutered than you telling me the obvious. To combat this, when I hear someone state how happy they are that it's Friday I immediately bring their high down by saying "Monday is only two days away." This shuts them up and their mood immediately turns sour. Science can back me on this because their nervous system is so ecstatic that the weekend is almost here that when they hear "Monday," the neurons in the brain come to a halt. This causes immediate depression for them and satisfaction for me. I have guaranteed that I will not hear anything more from that person the rest of the day. Game over, I win.
I don't know if the mind shuts down Thursday night or if people are only capable of focusing on one overlaying subject. Either way, I have to listen to them act like weekend hungry zombies. That could make for a good movie, Friday of the Weekend Hungry Zombies. It could consist of two hours of Friday happy zombies getting busted in the head with a metal folding chair. That would finally do this epidemic some justice.
Usually when I ask someone how they are doing, the reply is a relevant answer such as "good" or "I'm tired." On Friday, however, I'll ask someone how it is going and they reply, "It's Friday." No shit. I asked how you were doing, not what day of the week it is asshole. I don't need a human calendar when I have the Maxim version at home.
I am just as excited for the weekend as anyone else who works 40+ hours per week, but I don't turn into a cheerleader for it. If I wanted to express my Friday joy, I would go drop kick a small dog over a house, but I can contain it.
The thing I miss most on Fridays is the lack of intelligent conversations. I would much rather hear about your pet getting neutered than you telling me the obvious. To combat this, when I hear someone state how happy they are that it's Friday I immediately bring their high down by saying "Monday is only two days away." This shuts them up and their mood immediately turns sour. Science can back me on this because their nervous system is so ecstatic that the weekend is almost here that when they hear "Monday," the neurons in the brain come to a halt. This causes immediate depression for them and satisfaction for me. I have guaranteed that I will not hear anything more from that person the rest of the day. Game over, I win.
I don't know if the mind shuts down Thursday night or if people are only capable of focusing on one overlaying subject. Either way, I have to listen to them act like weekend hungry zombies. That could make for a good movie, Friday of the Weekend Hungry Zombies. It could consist of two hours of Friday happy zombies getting busted in the head with a metal folding chair. That would finally do this epidemic some justice.
The Embodiment of Badass
Few things in this world have earned the designation of "Badass" from me. The only time I say that something is badass is when an animal gets run over at 100+ miles per hour, when someone cauterizes their own wound with a burning knife, or when I look in the mirror. The other day, however, I beheld a sight that made me more humble than someone begging not to get hit in the nuts.
I was driving down a popular road for spring time runners to see how many potential vehicle vs. jogger collisions I could have, then I noticed one runner that was opposed to all the others. I'd be willing to say that he was the product of a communion between Attila the Hun and Wonder Woman because he could easily change a tire without using a jack and just absolutely ripped. He wore a sleeveless shirt to display his tattoo, an American soldier waving a tattered American flag and flipping the bird in the other direction. As if to say, "I'm an American and I invented odorless shit." Even Clint Eastwood would have said, "Hot damn!"
Even an appearance like this does not warrant the title of badass, but what sent his score skyrocketing was that he was smoking a cigarette while he ran. That's right, he was killing his lungs as he was building them up. He did not give a flying elbow slam to a blind man's face about the dangers of smoking. He was going to enjoy that smoke regardless because his attitude could counteract any scientific fact.
After all of these came together I realized that he was not running because that implies fleeing, he was chasing the other runners ahead of him. Since he was smoking and running he needed an ashtray and runners are a good substitute for that, and he was moving faster than them.
I was in total awe. I could say without a doubt that he was the reigning silent king of ass kicking. As I drove past, an immediate feeling of being poorly endowed came over me. All I could do was tip my hat to the rearview mirror and dwell on the lessons I learned. I have an appointment to get a tattoo next week.
I was driving down a popular road for spring time runners to see how many potential vehicle vs. jogger collisions I could have, then I noticed one runner that was opposed to all the others. I'd be willing to say that he was the product of a communion between Attila the Hun and Wonder Woman because he could easily change a tire without using a jack and just absolutely ripped. He wore a sleeveless shirt to display his tattoo, an American soldier waving a tattered American flag and flipping the bird in the other direction. As if to say, "I'm an American and I invented odorless shit." Even Clint Eastwood would have said, "Hot damn!"
Even an appearance like this does not warrant the title of badass, but what sent his score skyrocketing was that he was smoking a cigarette while he ran. That's right, he was killing his lungs as he was building them up. He did not give a flying elbow slam to a blind man's face about the dangers of smoking. He was going to enjoy that smoke regardless because his attitude could counteract any scientific fact.
After all of these came together I realized that he was not running because that implies fleeing, he was chasing the other runners ahead of him. Since he was smoking and running he needed an ashtray and runners are a good substitute for that, and he was moving faster than them.
I was in total awe. I could say without a doubt that he was the reigning silent king of ass kicking. As I drove past, an immediate feeling of being poorly endowed came over me. All I could do was tip my hat to the rearview mirror and dwell on the lessons I learned. I have an appointment to get a tattoo next week.
Kid Shows Today Blow
When I was younger, I recall cartoons having a lot of action and a tangible ongoing plot. It was always a battle between good and evil. Shows like GI Joe, Thundercats, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kicked so much ass that children grew up disciplined because of them. I can honestly say that I would not be who I am today if it hadn't been for quality programming like this. In fact, I know that I would not have as much hair on my chest if it had not been for them. Not only did the characters in these shows sink their foot two feet into the bad guys ass, there was also a moral lesson to each show which was blatantly divulged at the end. They were entertaining and educational.
Last Saturday I was flipping through the channels and I came across some cartoons. Two minutes into one of the shows, I felt that watching the water in the toilet go down was more entertaining. These shows have absolutely no point to them. Putting your kids in front of the shit that is on TV today is like hitting the pause button on their development. They don't learn one damn bit of useful information from these shows, unless you count bitching as a life lesson.
Just look at the characters in these shows compared to the older cartoons. Back in the glory days of animation, the characters were muscularly defined, serious, and took shit from nobody. If there was a problem, the characters didn't think twice about what they had to do, they picked up the first weapon they found and started their ass kicking. If there was firepower available, they pointed a gun and start blasting. Now the only cartoon character kids have to look up to is a fucking gender confused sponge.
Kids need to have a re-education in animated entertainment. Think of all the good that it would do for them. Childhood obesity would go on the decline because kids would want to go out and recreate the famous battles they see their cartoon heroes acting out. Calories are burned, kids get to be kids, and America wins. They would not be wasting time inside all day watching brainless television that teaches them to be limp wastes of space.
When I have kids I am going to break out the old VCR and make them watch the shows I used to watch. The formula worked out well for me the first time, so why shouldn't it work again?
Kids shows today blow, and with all the federal regulations on cartoons today the future does not look bright. Do your kids a favor and block these channels so they don't develope learning disabilities.
Last Saturday I was flipping through the channels and I came across some cartoons. Two minutes into one of the shows, I felt that watching the water in the toilet go down was more entertaining. These shows have absolutely no point to them. Putting your kids in front of the shit that is on TV today is like hitting the pause button on their development. They don't learn one damn bit of useful information from these shows, unless you count bitching as a life lesson.
Just look at the characters in these shows compared to the older cartoons. Back in the glory days of animation, the characters were muscularly defined, serious, and took shit from nobody. If there was a problem, the characters didn't think twice about what they had to do, they picked up the first weapon they found and started their ass kicking. If there was firepower available, they pointed a gun and start blasting. Now the only cartoon character kids have to look up to is a fucking gender confused sponge.
Kids need to have a re-education in animated entertainment. Think of all the good that it would do for them. Childhood obesity would go on the decline because kids would want to go out and recreate the famous battles they see their cartoon heroes acting out. Calories are burned, kids get to be kids, and America wins. They would not be wasting time inside all day watching brainless television that teaches them to be limp wastes of space.
When I have kids I am going to break out the old VCR and make them watch the shows I used to watch. The formula worked out well for me the first time, so why shouldn't it work again?
Kids shows today blow, and with all the federal regulations on cartoons today the future does not look bright. Do your kids a favor and block these channels so they don't develope learning disabilities.
Stuart, what a dick name.
The name "Stuart" does not fit me. If I ever met a guy named Stuart, I would have to perform a double cyclone kick to his head because his name sounds retarded. I'm no exception, but I have skills to prove that I am not, like taming mechanical bulls. I just need a name that fits my character like…
· Renegade
· Juggernaut
· PumpIron
· Shotgun
· Mr. Apocalypse
· Jacob Daniels (Since Jack Daniels is taken)
· Brickwall
· Bigasbullballs
· Thumb
I like the name "Thumb" most of all because the thumb has made every achievement of mankind possible. Think the pyramids could have been built without thumbs? No, unless you want to be technical and say that aliens did, then all bets are off. Thumbs are essential, just like me.
Stuart sounds about as cool as getting your cock stuck in the garbage disposal. I know that when people hear my name without seeing me they think that I suffer from asthma and a lack of sunlight. At least that is what they tell me, then they say that I don't look like a Stuart at all. I want a new name that will give children nightmares. That way when people hear my name they immediately know that I am an intimidating force and excellent in the art of head bashing.
On second thought, I'll stick with Stuart, Stu, Stewy, or any other variation people can come up with because getting your name changed requires filling out paperwork. I hate paper work more than my name, so in order to avoid that I will stick with my legal name and lie about what it really is to strangers from now on. As insanely sweet as it would be to put Bareknuckle Baxter on a job application, I'll have to pass because I am opposed to all work including paperwork. Filling out the forms would break my moral convictions so I am going to have to ditch this dream like a Mexican induced shit.
· Renegade
· Juggernaut
· PumpIron
· Shotgun
· Mr. Apocalypse
· Jacob Daniels (Since Jack Daniels is taken)
· Brickwall
· Bigasbullballs
· Thumb
I like the name "Thumb" most of all because the thumb has made every achievement of mankind possible. Think the pyramids could have been built without thumbs? No, unless you want to be technical and say that aliens did, then all bets are off. Thumbs are essential, just like me.
Stuart sounds about as cool as getting your cock stuck in the garbage disposal. I know that when people hear my name without seeing me they think that I suffer from asthma and a lack of sunlight. At least that is what they tell me, then they say that I don't look like a Stuart at all. I want a new name that will give children nightmares. That way when people hear my name they immediately know that I am an intimidating force and excellent in the art of head bashing.
On second thought, I'll stick with Stuart, Stu, Stewy, or any other variation people can come up with because getting your name changed requires filling out paperwork. I hate paper work more than my name, so in order to avoid that I will stick with my legal name and lie about what it really is to strangers from now on. As insanely sweet as it would be to put Bareknuckle Baxter on a job application, I'll have to pass because I am opposed to all work including paperwork. Filling out the forms would break my moral convictions so I am going to have to ditch this dream like a Mexican induced shit.
To shoot or drive
Guys have petty dilemmas all the time like what striped shirt goes best with blue jeans, if anyone will notice the loose strand of hair that couldn't be combed just right, if you should shave your pubes if by chance you get lucky. Unlike guys, real men have real problems that need to be solved pronto or else they risk sterility and the extinction of manliness.
I am faced with a decision that has been a burden since my last paycheck; Should I buy a CETME (an assault rifle capable of taking out two cats lined up through a wall) or performance mufflers for my car? They both cost the same, but one has to be better. Here is a list of the pros of each:
CETME
1. Big enough for a Neanderthal, but perfect for me.
2. The NRA approves
3. Doesn't go bang, it goes BANG!
4. Need a tree chopped down, give me about 5 rounds
5. Women love it
Mufflers
1. People will know when I am cruising, possibly to their daughter's place
2. Old people hate it
3. My car deserves it
4. If you can't hear a car, it is not a car
5. Women love it
So with these in mind, what should I choose? Saving money is pointless since the communists will take it when they invade anyways. If that is the case and we are faced with a "Red Dawn" situation, sport mufflers would be pointless as pissing into the wind. I would much rather save America and a CETME is fully capable of the task. So it looks like I will be buying a CETME. Sleep well America, you will be a little safer now. Lets go shoot some wildlife.
I am faced with a decision that has been a burden since my last paycheck; Should I buy a CETME (an assault rifle capable of taking out two cats lined up through a wall) or performance mufflers for my car? They both cost the same, but one has to be better. Here is a list of the pros of each:
CETME
1. Big enough for a Neanderthal, but perfect for me.
2. The NRA approves
3. Doesn't go bang, it goes BANG!
4. Need a tree chopped down, give me about 5 rounds
5. Women love it
Mufflers
1. People will know when I am cruising, possibly to their daughter's place
2. Old people hate it
3. My car deserves it
4. If you can't hear a car, it is not a car
5. Women love it
So with these in mind, what should I choose? Saving money is pointless since the communists will take it when they invade anyways. If that is the case and we are faced with a "Red Dawn" situation, sport mufflers would be pointless as pissing into the wind. I would much rather save America and a CETME is fully capable of the task. So it looks like I will be buying a CETME. Sleep well America, you will be a little safer now. Lets go shoot some wildlife.
Prove you don't have a heart by fishing.
Imagine for a moment you are taking a casual stroll through the neighborhood. As you walk, you enjoy some of the simple pleasures in life such as whistling at girls while they hold their boyfriend's hand, feed hot sauce to small animals, and occasionally flip off a student driver or two (I flip them all off, but that is just me). Doing all this has burned a lot of calories because you really, really enjoy those simple pleasures, so you decide to grab some grub. You pick up your grub, and as soon as you bite into it, you feel the sharpened edge of an Israeli sheppard's herding staff rip through your cheek. He then proceeds to slam you into a wall as he calls you his bitch. Welcome to a day in the life of any given fish.
I'm not trying to sympathize with a creature as stupid as a fish, but I am trying to put into perspective how heartless and ball busting sweet fishing is. We through our lines into a body of water and wait for a fish to skewer itself on a sharp object that we deliberately placed there for that purpose. Meanwhile we, the fishers, sit in the comfort of our boat or the edge of a bank and drink beer. That way when we catch a fish we are too belligerent to remove the hook properly, so we just say to hell with it and rip it out. While we are at it, we beat the fish on a big fucking rock before tossing it in the basket. The fish's mindless wondering days are over because we just raided his home and obliterated his ass, and we bought a license to do it. That is yet another reason why America rules!
The only thing better than keeping the fish is releasing it. This is better than killing the fish because you fish simply for sport (translation: because you feel inclined to prove that nature is your bitch). Back to the analogy, this would be like the Israeli sheppard putting a huge ass hole in your cheek and then making you prance around in a biker bar. The fish is forever scarred and treats the wound like a scarlet letter, with disgrace. But what do you care? You just through it back into the water like the man on third base were stealing home.
I also find the equipment for fishing pretty amusing, like the flies for fly fishing. These absolutely confuse the shit out of fish. It would be like you biting into a hamburger, but then you realize it was a dish of ass munch surprise. The fish thought it had a delectable treat, but BAM! There was a hook in the fly's ass. Unfortunately all this equipment somehow entitled stereotypically fishermen to be inclined to wear those stupid hats with all the hooks pinned to it. It looks like a sorry ass crafts project that was meant as a Mother's Day present. Leave that crap stain fashion at home.
Fishing season is finally here and I am ready to kick some fish ass. Usually I play heavy metal on the way to the fishing hole to set the mood. Hold on to your poles, there is a lot of brainless fish waiting to be relieved of their pointless life. Don't believe me? You are doing them a favor. Just ask a fish and if it doesn't respond, you know you were right.
I'm not trying to sympathize with a creature as stupid as a fish, but I am trying to put into perspective how heartless and ball busting sweet fishing is. We through our lines into a body of water and wait for a fish to skewer itself on a sharp object that we deliberately placed there for that purpose. Meanwhile we, the fishers, sit in the comfort of our boat or the edge of a bank and drink beer. That way when we catch a fish we are too belligerent to remove the hook properly, so we just say to hell with it and rip it out. While we are at it, we beat the fish on a big fucking rock before tossing it in the basket. The fish's mindless wondering days are over because we just raided his home and obliterated his ass, and we bought a license to do it. That is yet another reason why America rules!
The only thing better than keeping the fish is releasing it. This is better than killing the fish because you fish simply for sport (translation: because you feel inclined to prove that nature is your bitch). Back to the analogy, this would be like the Israeli sheppard putting a huge ass hole in your cheek and then making you prance around in a biker bar. The fish is forever scarred and treats the wound like a scarlet letter, with disgrace. But what do you care? You just through it back into the water like the man on third base were stealing home.
I also find the equipment for fishing pretty amusing, like the flies for fly fishing. These absolutely confuse the shit out of fish. It would be like you biting into a hamburger, but then you realize it was a dish of ass munch surprise. The fish thought it had a delectable treat, but BAM! There was a hook in the fly's ass. Unfortunately all this equipment somehow entitled stereotypically fishermen to be inclined to wear those stupid hats with all the hooks pinned to it. It looks like a sorry ass crafts project that was meant as a Mother's Day present. Leave that crap stain fashion at home.
Fishing season is finally here and I am ready to kick some fish ass. Usually I play heavy metal on the way to the fishing hole to set the mood. Hold on to your poles, there is a lot of brainless fish waiting to be relieved of their pointless life. Don't believe me? You are doing them a favor. Just ask a fish and if it doesn't respond, you know you were right.
My List of the Biggest Badasses of Our Time
Snake Plissken from Escape from New York and Escape from LA:
He is quite possibly the only man who could fight a grizzly and win by default every time. Snake does not take shit from anybody and the only time he does something good for the world is when his own life is at stake. If this criteria is not met he will walk away even as the world deteriorates, kind of like our concern for the ozone layer. I am willing to bet that he is not afraid to piss on a corpse at an open casket funeral.
He surfed through a post apocalyptic LA on his way smear some ass all over the streets and never even got wounded seriously. In fact his biggest injury was the loss of his eye, but that just makes him a better aim and a more devastating killing machine. If it was not for him, I never would have bought an eye patch to wear around in middle school. Snake Plissken, man? No… legend.
The Punisher:
His family is dead and you can only measure his level of pissed offedness in megatons. What I love about the Punisher is that he has ceased to be a man and he acts more like a predator stalking its prey, and his prey is anyone who pisses him off. Unlike all the other comic book heroes, he does not need any super powers to kick ass. What he does have is Saddam's weapons stash that the UN never found in his basement. He is the only character that I know that has never been described properly, and that is because he is indescribable, but imaginable.
I went as the Punisher one day just for the hell of it and I pulled it off so well that people actually ran when they saw me and police officers asked me for help. So I did my job by going home to play the Punisher video game. If only he were real… oh how safe the world would be.
James Bond
Not much to say here other than he gets to pork chicks with sexually explicit names (ie. Pussy Galore) and he flies in a jet pack. Case closed, Bond wins yet again. But I happen to know that he is actually an American, which explains why he is able to accomplish the feats he does.
Clint Eastwood:
He is the only person who has played characters who were less badass than he is in real life. I'm sick of all these Chuck Norris facts because Clint Eastwood has done all that at least twice. On that note, it is a fact that he used only real bullets in his movies and whenever he got shot, he really got shot.
Clint is a real man. Even in his old age (which is only old to us, but in Clint Eastwood years he is 24), he still managed to marry a young wife, just like the American dream. Every morning he wakes up with dust in his eyes because his morning wood keeps punching holes in the ceiling. He may not be an immortal, but he is not going away until the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive so that he can hand their asses to them and be added to the bible. Look for the book of Eastwood coming to a bible near you.
Honorable mentions that didn't make the fucking list.
The Terminator from Terminator 1 - 3:
He would have made the list if it weren't for one small detail, he is a robot. That is an automatic disqualification in my book. If I were to add him I might as well add the 69 Camaro or the PS3 right next to him. Sorry Arnold, your character has just be terminated.
My Brother:(picture me, that should be a good enough of an image)
Sorry bro, I was born first. You lose, I win
Tony Montana from Scarface:
I loved Scarface and this character, but he got slaughtered at the end, proving that he was just a man after all. So close Tony, my heart goes out to you, but there is still hope if you are revived by a wizard and make a sequel. Too bad magic died with Santa Claus.
He is quite possibly the only man who could fight a grizzly and win by default every time. Snake does not take shit from anybody and the only time he does something good for the world is when his own life is at stake. If this criteria is not met he will walk away even as the world deteriorates, kind of like our concern for the ozone layer. I am willing to bet that he is not afraid to piss on a corpse at an open casket funeral.
He surfed through a post apocalyptic LA on his way smear some ass all over the streets and never even got wounded seriously. In fact his biggest injury was the loss of his eye, but that just makes him a better aim and a more devastating killing machine. If it was not for him, I never would have bought an eye patch to wear around in middle school. Snake Plissken, man? No… legend.
The Punisher:
His family is dead and you can only measure his level of pissed offedness in megatons. What I love about the Punisher is that he has ceased to be a man and he acts more like a predator stalking its prey, and his prey is anyone who pisses him off. Unlike all the other comic book heroes, he does not need any super powers to kick ass. What he does have is Saddam's weapons stash that the UN never found in his basement. He is the only character that I know that has never been described properly, and that is because he is indescribable, but imaginable.
I went as the Punisher one day just for the hell of it and I pulled it off so well that people actually ran when they saw me and police officers asked me for help. So I did my job by going home to play the Punisher video game. If only he were real… oh how safe the world would be.
James Bond
Not much to say here other than he gets to pork chicks with sexually explicit names (ie. Pussy Galore) and he flies in a jet pack. Case closed, Bond wins yet again. But I happen to know that he is actually an American, which explains why he is able to accomplish the feats he does.
Clint Eastwood:
He is the only person who has played characters who were less badass than he is in real life. I'm sick of all these Chuck Norris facts because Clint Eastwood has done all that at least twice. On that note, it is a fact that he used only real bullets in his movies and whenever he got shot, he really got shot.
Clint is a real man. Even in his old age (which is only old to us, but in Clint Eastwood years he is 24), he still managed to marry a young wife, just like the American dream. Every morning he wakes up with dust in his eyes because his morning wood keeps punching holes in the ceiling. He may not be an immortal, but he is not going away until the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive so that he can hand their asses to them and be added to the bible. Look for the book of Eastwood coming to a bible near you.
Honorable mentions that didn't make the fucking list.
The Terminator from Terminator 1 - 3:
He would have made the list if it weren't for one small detail, he is a robot. That is an automatic disqualification in my book. If I were to add him I might as well add the 69 Camaro or the PS3 right next to him. Sorry Arnold, your character has just be terminated.
My Brother:(picture me, that should be a good enough of an image)
Sorry bro, I was born first. You lose, I win
Tony Montana from Scarface:
I loved Scarface and this character, but he got slaughtered at the end, proving that he was just a man after all. So close Tony, my heart goes out to you, but there is still hope if you are revived by a wizard and make a sequel. Too bad magic died with Santa Claus.
How not to look retarded when meeting a girl
Over the years I have met a lot of new people and many attractive women. All I really care about is the latter part of that sentence. In order to pick up on them you have to have the right moves to make a good impression, so here are some techniques that I have found to work best when meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex.
1. Be arrogant – No matter who they are, women love arrogance in guys. Take advantage of this as an opportunity to brag, hell even flat out lie about yourself. I can't begin to recall how many girls I have told that I was a member of SWAT, special forces, or an extra in an episode of Sex and the City (because what girl doesn't love that show?). Just remember that you know everything, so if they ask you a question that confuses you, just say "I won medals." They will be so impressed with your skill that they will love every word out of your mouth from here.
2. Flex – This goes along with arrogance. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, flex what you got because women love the beefcake. Don't worry if you can see bone through your skin, tell them it is because you are all endurance. To help with this, you can start exercising right in front of them like it is something that you do every day at that moment. Women love watching men do pull-ups or crunches. When I take women out on dates the first stop is always the gym and usually after a few reps they have to go wait in the car because they are so turned on.
3. If you got a gun, flash it – Usually women think you are crazy when you flash the trusty ol' iron at your side, so refrain from doing so unless… you follow with the comment, "You ought to see the .44 under my belt. They'll get the hint and it will be like catching fish in a barrel from there.
4. Show them your "custom" ride – When I say custom, I mean whatever you can lie about your car to make it seem unique (if you can't tell by now all relationships begin with lies, sorry but it's true). Show them your car and tell them all the "mods" you have made to it. I don't care if you have a stock 94 Taurus, tell them something along the lines of it is a sleeper and you taken out sports cars in this. They should be begging to drive it in no time, so play hardball and don't let them until they have begged for a good 45 minutes. When they get in the driver's seat they will have so many expectations that they will really believe that they are in a unique cruiser. Good job asshole, another success.
5. Take them out to eat, but… - have a small bag of finely ground pepper to put on whatever you are eating; the meatier the better. Pour the pepper on to your food and when they ask what it is, reply nonchalantly, "it's gunpowder." They will think you are so hardcore that you may have to take a pit stop at the bathroom together. Can you say home run?
I have done all these many times with tons of different women and I have met with success each time. Even though nothing ever came of any of these attempts immediately, I don't mind taking advanced credit for my endeavors. I always gave them my phone number, so I am expecting the calls to come pouring in any day now. I just hope that they don't come all at once so I don't miss any of them.
1. Be arrogant – No matter who they are, women love arrogance in guys. Take advantage of this as an opportunity to brag, hell even flat out lie about yourself. I can't begin to recall how many girls I have told that I was a member of SWAT, special forces, or an extra in an episode of Sex and the City (because what girl doesn't love that show?). Just remember that you know everything, so if they ask you a question that confuses you, just say "I won medals." They will be so impressed with your skill that they will love every word out of your mouth from here.
2. Flex – This goes along with arrogance. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, flex what you got because women love the beefcake. Don't worry if you can see bone through your skin, tell them it is because you are all endurance. To help with this, you can start exercising right in front of them like it is something that you do every day at that moment. Women love watching men do pull-ups or crunches. When I take women out on dates the first stop is always the gym and usually after a few reps they have to go wait in the car because they are so turned on.
3. If you got a gun, flash it – Usually women think you are crazy when you flash the trusty ol' iron at your side, so refrain from doing so unless… you follow with the comment, "You ought to see the .44 under my belt. They'll get the hint and it will be like catching fish in a barrel from there.
4. Show them your "custom" ride – When I say custom, I mean whatever you can lie about your car to make it seem unique (if you can't tell by now all relationships begin with lies, sorry but it's true). Show them your car and tell them all the "mods" you have made to it. I don't care if you have a stock 94 Taurus, tell them something along the lines of it is a sleeper and you taken out sports cars in this. They should be begging to drive it in no time, so play hardball and don't let them until they have begged for a good 45 minutes. When they get in the driver's seat they will have so many expectations that they will really believe that they are in a unique cruiser. Good job asshole, another success.
5. Take them out to eat, but… - have a small bag of finely ground pepper to put on whatever you are eating; the meatier the better. Pour the pepper on to your food and when they ask what it is, reply nonchalantly, "it's gunpowder." They will think you are so hardcore that you may have to take a pit stop at the bathroom together. Can you say home run?
I have done all these many times with tons of different women and I have met with success each time. Even though nothing ever came of any of these attempts immediately, I don't mind taking advanced credit for my endeavors. I always gave them my phone number, so I am expecting the calls to come pouring in any day now. I just hope that they don't come all at once so I don't miss any of them.
Politics, it Pisses Me Off
I've always said that if you want to ruin a friendship you should talk about politics. Everyone has their own damn opinion about what is best for this country, but today I say to hell with it. I am going to say whatever the hell about politics I care to say and if anyone wants to condemn me for my views, you are in the wrong fucking country communist.
Whenever Hillary wins a state the media grows a huge stiffy and that is all you hear about for the next week until Obama wins one. I couldn't give a rat's ass less about who wins what state because the actual election is not until November, and if we learned anything from the 2000 election we would know that the popular vote means dick. So when I see CNN repeating the same speech for 24 hours about political strategy and standpoint, I suddenly feel the need to take a shit because that is all my ears are being filled with.
Here's the problems I have with Hillary and Obama. Hillary is a bitch, plain and simple. I recall shortly after 9/11 Hilary was seen at ground zero trying not to get her hands dirty while surveying the damage. Meanwhile everyone else was trying to find survivors. If I was her (which is impossible because I have balls) I would have been rolling up my sleeves and started digging away at the rubble and show everyone my leadership abilities. Looking back over the last 20 years, it has either been a Bush or Clinton in the oval office. What is this, a monarchy? This country is ready for a change because everyone has been bitching about the downward spiral this country has been in since Reagan left office. Not to mention, Hillary's foreign policy is nearly the same as Bill Clinton's and that is what set G.W. Bush up for more failure than what he could have possibly done on his own. I'm all for a woman president, but not one who has proven to be an ass hat already. It's time to retire Hillary, so dress your age and get used to retirement you radical feminist.
Now your turn Obama. First of all, Obama supported by Oprah. I would not have minded this fact, but a majority of your votes have come from loyal Oprah fans that will do whatever their leader tells them to do. Secondly, Obama goes to a crazy ass church and he wanted to make the pastor one of his main guys. Looks like he forgot to separate church and state, but that is not surprising since he doesn't know much about the Cold War let alone the beliefs of the founding fathers. What pisses me off the most about Obama is that I went to his website to find information, and all I got was an opportunity to give him a donation via my credit card. I work at a fucking lumber mill and this asshole is asking me for my money? What do you think will happen if he gets elected? That's right he'll take everyone's money like any good politician does.
What both of these candidates have in common that worries me is that they are both anti guns. After all, guns kill people, not the person who actually pulls the trigger. Bullshit! If one of these morons is elected we can all say goodbye to the quality guns on store shelves today because they will be outlawed. That way when criminals and terrorists get their hands on a nice assault rifle, the American citizen will only have a handgun and probably a bolt action hunting rifle to defend themselves with. Sorry, but the right to bear arms means to bear arms that are actually effective.
Then there is McCain. I have to give him credit for going through Vietnam and for being a POW. For that I salute you because the other two candidates never had the balls to put themselves in front of a bullet. The issue I have with McCain is his stand on the war, which is the typical republican theory of "stay the course." That obviously hasn't worked since this has been the most piss poor war strategy conceivable. If anyone has read Sun Tzu, you know what I am talking about. Sorry McCain, thank you for your service, but your party is crap.
All this leaves only one hope for America, Ron Paul. Even though he is a republican, Paul has the best voting record and philosophy of the other candidates, which is probably why he is not receiving more support from his party. He does not believe in changing the government as much as he does retaining it as it was originally intended. That means that we could maintain our second amendment rights like liberty intended. What impressed me most was his stance on education. He does not feel that the government should be in total control of a child's education, so like a good American, Ron Paul gives the No Child Left Behind Act a big Fuck You. Best of all, he does not believe in having an income tax since the country got along just fine without until the 1930's when it was instated. That would put more money in our pockets where it belongs instead of going to a half assed government program or foreign oil.
It is just unfortunate that Ron Paul is trailing the other three candidates, but I am still going to vote for him. This is the analogy I use, everyone has a favorite football team and whether they win or lose, you still root for them every year. Ron Paul has my vote I'm hoping he will have your s as well and America does too.
Whenever Hillary wins a state the media grows a huge stiffy and that is all you hear about for the next week until Obama wins one. I couldn't give a rat's ass less about who wins what state because the actual election is not until November, and if we learned anything from the 2000 election we would know that the popular vote means dick. So when I see CNN repeating the same speech for 24 hours about political strategy and standpoint, I suddenly feel the need to take a shit because that is all my ears are being filled with.
Here's the problems I have with Hillary and Obama. Hillary is a bitch, plain and simple. I recall shortly after 9/11 Hilary was seen at ground zero trying not to get her hands dirty while surveying the damage. Meanwhile everyone else was trying to find survivors. If I was her (which is impossible because I have balls) I would have been rolling up my sleeves and started digging away at the rubble and show everyone my leadership abilities. Looking back over the last 20 years, it has either been a Bush or Clinton in the oval office. What is this, a monarchy? This country is ready for a change because everyone has been bitching about the downward spiral this country has been in since Reagan left office. Not to mention, Hillary's foreign policy is nearly the same as Bill Clinton's and that is what set G.W. Bush up for more failure than what he could have possibly done on his own. I'm all for a woman president, but not one who has proven to be an ass hat already. It's time to retire Hillary, so dress your age and get used to retirement you radical feminist.
Now your turn Obama. First of all, Obama supported by Oprah. I would not have minded this fact, but a majority of your votes have come from loyal Oprah fans that will do whatever their leader tells them to do. Secondly, Obama goes to a crazy ass church and he wanted to make the pastor one of his main guys. Looks like he forgot to separate church and state, but that is not surprising since he doesn't know much about the Cold War let alone the beliefs of the founding fathers. What pisses me off the most about Obama is that I went to his website to find information, and all I got was an opportunity to give him a donation via my credit card. I work at a fucking lumber mill and this asshole is asking me for my money? What do you think will happen if he gets elected? That's right he'll take everyone's money like any good politician does.
What both of these candidates have in common that worries me is that they are both anti guns. After all, guns kill people, not the person who actually pulls the trigger. Bullshit! If one of these morons is elected we can all say goodbye to the quality guns on store shelves today because they will be outlawed. That way when criminals and terrorists get their hands on a nice assault rifle, the American citizen will only have a handgun and probably a bolt action hunting rifle to defend themselves with. Sorry, but the right to bear arms means to bear arms that are actually effective.
Then there is McCain. I have to give him credit for going through Vietnam and for being a POW. For that I salute you because the other two candidates never had the balls to put themselves in front of a bullet. The issue I have with McCain is his stand on the war, which is the typical republican theory of "stay the course." That obviously hasn't worked since this has been the most piss poor war strategy conceivable. If anyone has read Sun Tzu, you know what I am talking about. Sorry McCain, thank you for your service, but your party is crap.
All this leaves only one hope for America, Ron Paul. Even though he is a republican, Paul has the best voting record and philosophy of the other candidates, which is probably why he is not receiving more support from his party. He does not believe in changing the government as much as he does retaining it as it was originally intended. That means that we could maintain our second amendment rights like liberty intended. What impressed me most was his stance on education. He does not feel that the government should be in total control of a child's education, so like a good American, Ron Paul gives the No Child Left Behind Act a big Fuck You. Best of all, he does not believe in having an income tax since the country got along just fine without until the 1930's when it was instated. That would put more money in our pockets where it belongs instead of going to a half assed government program or foreign oil.
It is just unfortunate that Ron Paul is trailing the other three candidates, but I am still going to vote for him. This is the analogy I use, everyone has a favorite football team and whether they win or lose, you still root for them every year. Ron Paul has my vote I'm hoping he will have your s as well and America does too.
Things You Learn Growing Up in the Country.
You can learn a lot by living in exclusion from civilization. I have had my share of life lessons simply by living in the woods. Some were no brainers, but others I could have only learned through experience. Here are some of the lessons learned.
· Don't wear steel toed boots when stirring up the fire with your foot
· If you sleep naked, eventually a mosquito will bite you on the penis. It happens.
· If bow hunting for a bear, wear running shoes.
· If you have been fishing all day and have not caught anything, go to the store, buy one and lie about it.
· You ARE NOT Dale Earnhardt
· Deer hate mankind, so eat them.
· If your trusty dog is anything less than a golden retriever, you are retarded.
· Carhartts are trendy all year round.
· Who needs to comb their hair? That's why God gave us hats.
· No shoes, no shirt = no job
· Women find calloused hands to be invigorating
· The sleeves on tee-shirts make excellent oil rags since you had to tear them off anyways.
· If your friend calls his SUV a truck, you are obligated to correct his sorry ass in any physically appropriate fashion.
· If you pour whiskey into your gas tank just to say it burns alcohol, you are the honorary dipshit of the day.
· Foreign beer is a myth, drink American.
· Unless you are a woman, a biker, or sporting a kick ass mullet, keep your hair short. Damn hippie.
· Hot sauce tastes great on ice cream and cereal. Try it.
· A burly chest of hair works well as a winter coat. If lost in the wood (which is impossible for me) I could burn it an make smoke signals.
· If you flex really really hard, the nearest squirrel will explode.
If some of these sound too fantastic to be true, it is because country living is fantastic. After all, HICK stands for Herculean Incarnated Country Kin. Don't believe me? Prove me wrong.
· Don't wear steel toed boots when stirring up the fire with your foot
· If you sleep naked, eventually a mosquito will bite you on the penis. It happens.
· If bow hunting for a bear, wear running shoes.
· If you have been fishing all day and have not caught anything, go to the store, buy one and lie about it.
· You ARE NOT Dale Earnhardt
· Deer hate mankind, so eat them.
· If your trusty dog is anything less than a golden retriever, you are retarded.
· Carhartts are trendy all year round.
· Who needs to comb their hair? That's why God gave us hats.
· No shoes, no shirt = no job
· Women find calloused hands to be invigorating
· The sleeves on tee-shirts make excellent oil rags since you had to tear them off anyways.
· If your friend calls his SUV a truck, you are obligated to correct his sorry ass in any physically appropriate fashion.
· If you pour whiskey into your gas tank just to say it burns alcohol, you are the honorary dipshit of the day.
· Foreign beer is a myth, drink American.
· Unless you are a woman, a biker, or sporting a kick ass mullet, keep your hair short. Damn hippie.
· Hot sauce tastes great on ice cream and cereal. Try it.
· A burly chest of hair works well as a winter coat. If lost in the wood (which is impossible for me) I could burn it an make smoke signals.
· If you flex really really hard, the nearest squirrel will explode.
If some of these sound too fantastic to be true, it is because country living is fantastic. After all, HICK stands for Herculean Incarnated Country Kin. Don't believe me? Prove me wrong.
I’d Rather Ride a Hog than Scratch My Crotch Rocket.
In the world of two wheeled street demons there are only hogs and crotch rockets. I prefer the hog, a Harley Davidson hog to be exact because the imported versions are just foreign knock offs. Hogs are real bikes and anything else in this category is just a toy, for those who like to play make believe biker.
As much as I enjoy speeds in excess of 150 mph, I cannot forego the image that the hog portrays to bystanders. When a crotch rocket drives by people don't mind, but when a hog comes blaring down the street, people go inside and lock the doors. Sometimes they will leave finely cooked meals as an offering to appease the passing biker.
Hog riders generally wear denim or black leather all year round. They don't give a crap if it is 90 degrees outside because their image is more important than any worldly comfort. This also serves as protective attire because the bikers are prone to bar fights. In fact, bar fighting is the official pastime in the biker community. They will fight even if they are taking time off for a holiday. Crotch rocket riders opt for a leather coat, usually made of a variety of colors for fear of being hit by a car, which is another characteristic bikers lack; fear. I have also seen on occasion crotch rocket riders who will pop the collar of their polo shirts. These riders generally suffer from spontaneous nose bleeds and a lack of social acceptance. When you compare the two, who wouldn't want to be a hog rider?
What I like best about hogs is that people automatically think that you have done some time in prison or are affiliated with a Midwest biker gang. No matter how frail or pasty skinned you are, nobody wants to mess with you. I saw the pastor of a church riding his Harley one day, and I could have been convinced that he burns his eyelids with cigarette butts when he has a hard time waking up.
The hog riders of society are a symbol of the nomadic travelers that use to roam this country from town to town. They are their own entity, separated from culture and restrictions. If you cross a hog rider, you can probably assume that they are harmless, but do you really want to risk getting your face rearranged? Hog riders, I salute you.
As much as I enjoy speeds in excess of 150 mph, I cannot forego the image that the hog portrays to bystanders. When a crotch rocket drives by people don't mind, but when a hog comes blaring down the street, people go inside and lock the doors. Sometimes they will leave finely cooked meals as an offering to appease the passing biker.
Hog riders generally wear denim or black leather all year round. They don't give a crap if it is 90 degrees outside because their image is more important than any worldly comfort. This also serves as protective attire because the bikers are prone to bar fights. In fact, bar fighting is the official pastime in the biker community. They will fight even if they are taking time off for a holiday. Crotch rocket riders opt for a leather coat, usually made of a variety of colors for fear of being hit by a car, which is another characteristic bikers lack; fear. I have also seen on occasion crotch rocket riders who will pop the collar of their polo shirts. These riders generally suffer from spontaneous nose bleeds and a lack of social acceptance. When you compare the two, who wouldn't want to be a hog rider?
What I like best about hogs is that people automatically think that you have done some time in prison or are affiliated with a Midwest biker gang. No matter how frail or pasty skinned you are, nobody wants to mess with you. I saw the pastor of a church riding his Harley one day, and I could have been convinced that he burns his eyelids with cigarette butts when he has a hard time waking up.
The hog riders of society are a symbol of the nomadic travelers that use to roam this country from town to town. They are their own entity, separated from culture and restrictions. If you cross a hog rider, you can probably assume that they are harmless, but do you really want to risk getting your face rearranged? Hog riders, I salute you.
Parents, Sterilize Your Stupid Kids.
Every time I try to think of a reason why I should like children, I think of the idiot kids that I have seen and remember why I have disregarded an entire population of people. It was not always this bad, but with each passing generation the youth has been on an intellectual decline that has accumulated in the dumbasses we know today. There are so many of them now that you don't have to look for them, they will come to you like a hungry stray, many times disguised as boy scouts. I was walking in the park the other day and I saw the finest examples of stupidity conceivable, or inconceivable since I could not have made it up if I tried.
The first group of kids I saw looked like they were wannabe ex-convicts, and judging by their actions I have no doubt that they will achieve their goals. As I walked by, it looked like they were practicing shanking each other with what appeared to be a butter knife, since that is probably all they were allowed to play with. I mean really, a butter knife? I was tempted to offer them a fork so they could be more effective. The most prominent feature about them was that some of them chose to wear imitation leather coats and shorts since it is summer. I could have pissed my pants laughing because my fashion sense is bad, but not that bad. If they had been adults I would have told them to let their balls drop and start acting like men, but since they were adolescents I figured they would probably be playing in the street later and their chances of being struck by a car were pretty good. Nature has a way of resolving its own issues. So I continued on my way.
I soon came upon another group of kids hanging out around their dope ass rides, which were a station wagon and a Ford Tempo. I don't know if there was a drug deal going on or if they were exchanging naked pictures of each other's mothers, but these dipshits acted like they owned the park. As stupid as they looked, I can chalk these actions up to kids being kids, that is until I saw one deliver a roundhouse kick to a tree. Good job asshole, you just punished a large piece of vegetation. Trees everywhere should wallow in fear of a rampaging rebel like yourself. I admit that I was actually intimidated by this because you never know when someone this unstable is going to spontaneously combust. If mental retardation is contagious I would have caught it hanging around there. So I said a quick prayer for the future of the human race and kept walking until I felt like taking a seat .
As I sat and waited for a fight to break out on the basketball court, I heard a rooster crowing behind me. "What the hell?" I thought to myself as I turned around to see the douche bag of the day. This kid had his head shaved into a mohawk and half assed goatee. As he paraded around making animal noises, his friends followed silently behind him in support. I don't know what is worse, being the douche bag or the douche bag supporter, but even my quick wit was at a loss to explain this spectacle. When he would walk away, I could hear his voice fading in the background, then twenty minutes later he would reappear. The second time he was yelling "Red Bull." I only wished that Red Bull had given him wings so that he could possibly get sucked into the turbines of an airline jet. By this time I had it with dealing with the handicapped youth of today and left.
These events brought me to the conclusion that parents need to have their idiot kids sterilized. Maybe they are stupid because the parents are stupid, or perhaps it is a recessive gene that skipped a generation. Either way, stop the suffering now! I know if there are any parents reading this they are probably thinking silently to themselves, "But my child isn't stupid." Chances are good that they are if people have complained about their lack of hygiene or if they have had to repeat any grade from K-12. Stupidity is a disease, if you hang around idiots long enough you start to act like one and then it becomes a lifestyle. Parents, don't live in denial, if your kids are stupid do the right thing and get them fixed. I happen to know a vet who will do it for a discount price, ask me for details, or you can do it yourself with some household tools such as a shovel and a hot iron. You don't want them to be in charge of your future when you are elderly, do you? Whatever it takes, get the job done.
The first group of kids I saw looked like they were wannabe ex-convicts, and judging by their actions I have no doubt that they will achieve their goals. As I walked by, it looked like they were practicing shanking each other with what appeared to be a butter knife, since that is probably all they were allowed to play with. I mean really, a butter knife? I was tempted to offer them a fork so they could be more effective. The most prominent feature about them was that some of them chose to wear imitation leather coats and shorts since it is summer. I could have pissed my pants laughing because my fashion sense is bad, but not that bad. If they had been adults I would have told them to let their balls drop and start acting like men, but since they were adolescents I figured they would probably be playing in the street later and their chances of being struck by a car were pretty good. Nature has a way of resolving its own issues. So I continued on my way.
I soon came upon another group of kids hanging out around their dope ass rides, which were a station wagon and a Ford Tempo. I don't know if there was a drug deal going on or if they were exchanging naked pictures of each other's mothers, but these dipshits acted like they owned the park. As stupid as they looked, I can chalk these actions up to kids being kids, that is until I saw one deliver a roundhouse kick to a tree. Good job asshole, you just punished a large piece of vegetation. Trees everywhere should wallow in fear of a rampaging rebel like yourself. I admit that I was actually intimidated by this because you never know when someone this unstable is going to spontaneously combust. If mental retardation is contagious I would have caught it hanging around there. So I said a quick prayer for the future of the human race and kept walking until I felt like taking a seat .
As I sat and waited for a fight to break out on the basketball court, I heard a rooster crowing behind me. "What the hell?" I thought to myself as I turned around to see the douche bag of the day. This kid had his head shaved into a mohawk and half assed goatee. As he paraded around making animal noises, his friends followed silently behind him in support. I don't know what is worse, being the douche bag or the douche bag supporter, but even my quick wit was at a loss to explain this spectacle. When he would walk away, I could hear his voice fading in the background, then twenty minutes later he would reappear. The second time he was yelling "Red Bull." I only wished that Red Bull had given him wings so that he could possibly get sucked into the turbines of an airline jet. By this time I had it with dealing with the handicapped youth of today and left.
These events brought me to the conclusion that parents need to have their idiot kids sterilized. Maybe they are stupid because the parents are stupid, or perhaps it is a recessive gene that skipped a generation. Either way, stop the suffering now! I know if there are any parents reading this they are probably thinking silently to themselves, "But my child isn't stupid." Chances are good that they are if people have complained about their lack of hygiene or if they have had to repeat any grade from K-12. Stupidity is a disease, if you hang around idiots long enough you start to act like one and then it becomes a lifestyle. Parents, don't live in denial, if your kids are stupid do the right thing and get them fixed. I happen to know a vet who will do it for a discount price, ask me for details, or you can do it yourself with some household tools such as a shovel and a hot iron. You don't want them to be in charge of your future when you are elderly, do you? Whatever it takes, get the job done.
Cheney's Inbreeding Comment
Writing about politics and the bullshit that flows from our leader's mouths is something that I like to avoid since it is usually over analyzed. Also, because by the time I get around to writing it another politician has said something stupid and overshadows the previous comment. Therefore I will keep this short.
Our second in command Dick Cheney made a joke about inbreeding in West Virginia and then followed with the statement, "You can say things like that when you're not running for re-election." At least his name "Dick" is accurate being that West Virginia voted for his sorry ass in the last two presidential elections. My question is, what does he think individually of the other 49 states he represented during his term in office? Lets not forget that West Virginians pay the taxes that fill up his fucking wallet that is made out of baby seal skin. I guess when you look like an ogre's shit pile you really have nothing left to do other than make a stereotypical joke about an entire damn state. Cheney, what a dick.
Our second in command Dick Cheney made a joke about inbreeding in West Virginia and then followed with the statement, "You can say things like that when you're not running for re-election." At least his name "Dick" is accurate being that West Virginia voted for his sorry ass in the last two presidential elections. My question is, what does he think individually of the other 49 states he represented during his term in office? Lets not forget that West Virginians pay the taxes that fill up his fucking wallet that is made out of baby seal skin. I guess when you look like an ogre's shit pile you really have nothing left to do other than make a stereotypical joke about an entire damn state. Cheney, what a dick.
The War on Nature
When I was checking into my hotel in Las Vegas, the guy at the counter asked me where I was from. "Washington state" I told him.
"Ah, the northwest." He said, "Isn't there a lot of dangerous animals in the woods there?"
My douche bag sensors started buzzing at a ferocious rate. Instead of answering his question with a simple "What are you a dipshit?" I decided that this was a rare opportunity to practice my story telling skills since telling the truth is much too easy and boring. "Yes," I said, "it is like a warzone over there. Bears are what we have to fear the most because they like to wait for you to turn your back while you unlock your car to attack, or possibly molest you. Then there are the cougars who like to hunt kids who walk to school, so everyone has a fat kid or a paraplegic as a friend to abandon when one shows up. Worst of all, if you have sex in the woods, you are instantly mauled by badgers ."
Of course he didn't believe me, and the limp expression on his face confirmed it. This did, however, propel the realization that we are locked in a war with nature. A war we have been winning, but nature is starting to play dirty.
I remember the good ol' days when you could cut a tree down and burn it just for fun, but now nature has employed some double agents called environmentalists to brainwash Americans. They are a special interest group, ("special" because it implies handicapped) that fools others into thinking that cutting down trees and driving SUV's are going to bring on catastrophic environmental consequences. This might seem to make sense, but I have done research and have discovered that every environmentalist leader is actually the descendent of a Nazi officer. This wouldn't be the first time Nazism has attempted to re-educate a whole country. Don't be a Nazi, drill America for oil and buy a chainsaw.
Another threat that has arisen comes from man's former best friend… dogs. Occasionally, there would be a dog that bit someone, but these were just chalked up to dogs being animals of lower intelligence. We were wrong. I heard a recent incident of a pit bull who had been drinking heavily one night and snuck into his owner's bedroom and began humping his master while he slept. As if to say "Who's the bitch now?" The owner awoke to the dog thrusting against his back and tried to knock the dog off, but in the pit bull's drunken stupor, he held the man's head down with its jaws until it finished. The man is still in therapy and his wife divorced him. I never thought I would see the day where people would be sexually assaulted by their own pets in an attempt to breed out the human race. Do yourself and your family a favor by buying a chastity belt for your pets, or make one by using super glue and a 2 liter pop bottle.
The facts are undeniable; we are outnumbered by animals 130 to 1. Fortunately, people have met with success in their personal battles with woodland creatures, for example, a girl told her father that a squirrel was hiding in a nearby tree and she wanted to see it. The father looked around and picked up a jagged rock. He then told his daughter that he was going to throw the rock at the tree to get the squirrel to come out for her. The father spotted the furry devil and cocked his arm back and hurled the rock towards the squirrel. With a thud, the squirrel was knocked out of the tree and landed in front of the daughter, dead. As she cried, he told her it was an accident and that the asshole *cough* squirrel was just sleeping, but the grin on his face as he turned away said otherwise. Like any wise father, he knew that it was a safe bet the squirrel had rabies. He deserves a medal for accuracy.
I too have met with opposition from nature. One time while driving one of the back roads during the winter, I came across a goose standing defiantly in the middle of the icy road. I couldn't slow down for fear of sliding out of control, so I was forced into a game of chicken between a goose and a Dodge truck. It was probably expecting me to be like most drivers and swerve, but he overestimated my ability to give a shit. The goose made a "clonk" as it hit the bumper, but to my surprise it was still alive, and flying! I drove home as fast as possible and slept with a gun the whole night in case it followed me, as I'm sure it was pissed beyond belief.
Nature is a battleground. Next time you see a duck at the park begging for a piece of bread, think to yourself, is this an innocent action or is it trying to eliminate our food supply? Animals had their chance to run the world, but now we are here to straighten shit up. Don't support nature, consume it.
"Ah, the northwest." He said, "Isn't there a lot of dangerous animals in the woods there?"
My douche bag sensors started buzzing at a ferocious rate. Instead of answering his question with a simple "What are you a dipshit?" I decided that this was a rare opportunity to practice my story telling skills since telling the truth is much too easy and boring. "Yes," I said, "it is like a warzone over there. Bears are what we have to fear the most because they like to wait for you to turn your back while you unlock your car to attack, or possibly molest you. Then there are the cougars who like to hunt kids who walk to school, so everyone has a fat kid or a paraplegic as a friend to abandon when one shows up. Worst of all, if you have sex in the woods, you are instantly mauled by badgers ."
Of course he didn't believe me, and the limp expression on his face confirmed it. This did, however, propel the realization that we are locked in a war with nature. A war we have been winning, but nature is starting to play dirty.
I remember the good ol' days when you could cut a tree down and burn it just for fun, but now nature has employed some double agents called environmentalists to brainwash Americans. They are a special interest group, ("special" because it implies handicapped) that fools others into thinking that cutting down trees and driving SUV's are going to bring on catastrophic environmental consequences. This might seem to make sense, but I have done research and have discovered that every environmentalist leader is actually the descendent of a Nazi officer. This wouldn't be the first time Nazism has attempted to re-educate a whole country. Don't be a Nazi, drill America for oil and buy a chainsaw.
Another threat that has arisen comes from man's former best friend… dogs. Occasionally, there would be a dog that bit someone, but these were just chalked up to dogs being animals of lower intelligence. We were wrong. I heard a recent incident of a pit bull who had been drinking heavily one night and snuck into his owner's bedroom and began humping his master while he slept. As if to say "Who's the bitch now?" The owner awoke to the dog thrusting against his back and tried to knock the dog off, but in the pit bull's drunken stupor, he held the man's head down with its jaws until it finished. The man is still in therapy and his wife divorced him. I never thought I would see the day where people would be sexually assaulted by their own pets in an attempt to breed out the human race. Do yourself and your family a favor by buying a chastity belt for your pets, or make one by using super glue and a 2 liter pop bottle.
The facts are undeniable; we are outnumbered by animals 130 to 1. Fortunately, people have met with success in their personal battles with woodland creatures, for example, a girl told her father that a squirrel was hiding in a nearby tree and she wanted to see it. The father looked around and picked up a jagged rock. He then told his daughter that he was going to throw the rock at the tree to get the squirrel to come out for her. The father spotted the furry devil and cocked his arm back and hurled the rock towards the squirrel. With a thud, the squirrel was knocked out of the tree and landed in front of the daughter, dead. As she cried, he told her it was an accident and that the asshole *cough* squirrel was just sleeping, but the grin on his face as he turned away said otherwise. Like any wise father, he knew that it was a safe bet the squirrel had rabies. He deserves a medal for accuracy.
I too have met with opposition from nature. One time while driving one of the back roads during the winter, I came across a goose standing defiantly in the middle of the icy road. I couldn't slow down for fear of sliding out of control, so I was forced into a game of chicken between a goose and a Dodge truck. It was probably expecting me to be like most drivers and swerve, but he overestimated my ability to give a shit. The goose made a "clonk" as it hit the bumper, but to my surprise it was still alive, and flying! I drove home as fast as possible and slept with a gun the whole night in case it followed me, as I'm sure it was pissed beyond belief.
Nature is a battleground. Next time you see a duck at the park begging for a piece of bread, think to yourself, is this an innocent action or is it trying to eliminate our food supply? Animals had their chance to run the world, but now we are here to straighten shit up. Don't support nature, consume it.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Bonfires: A Testament to Mankind
Bonfires are probably the most simple destructive force that mankind has invented, or rather improved upon. The formula is simple, pile up all the crap you can find laying around (sticks, branches, brush, grandmothers, your ex’s most prized possession that you never gave back) and light it on fire. This is especially harmful to nature which environmentalists hate as they are opposed to anything awesome. Just be sure to add some gasoline to make it as destructive as possible. Here are some things you can and should consider doing with your bonfires.
*Cook some steaks. Why settle for a little meat at a time when you could just torch a whole cow. Think of how efficient that would be.
*Warm yourself and everything else in a 50 foot radius. If it is dry weather, be ready to run and put the matches in a buddy’s pocket unnoticed so that if you get caught you can blame it on him. He would do the same to you so don’t feel bad.
*If it is winter, you probably need a tan and standing next to an inferno is the next best thing to basking in the sun.
*Bonfires, like St. Patrick’s Day, is an excuse to drink.
*Fact: there is no global warming, just a whole hell of a lot of bonfires that I made.
*Don’t waste time donating your old stuff to charity, Burn it! After all, you bought it, you should get all the joy from destroying it.
*Lost in the woods? Make a big fire. Bam! You’ve just been rescued by the forrest service.
*If you think you are going to Hell, put your face in your bonfire and consider it would feel for eternity.
*Bonfires come from the French root bon fier (Leave it to the French to steal an American passtime and call it their own)
*Use it as a means to preform your own (and if possible your own) cremations.
The list could probably go on, but I think I have done my part to get your wheels turning. Be creative and happy burning.
*Cook some steaks. Why settle for a little meat at a time when you could just torch a whole cow. Think of how efficient that would be.
*Warm yourself and everything else in a 50 foot radius. If it is dry weather, be ready to run and put the matches in a buddy’s pocket unnoticed so that if you get caught you can blame it on him. He would do the same to you so don’t feel bad.
*If it is winter, you probably need a tan and standing next to an inferno is the next best thing to basking in the sun.
*Bonfires, like St. Patrick’s Day, is an excuse to drink.
*Fact: there is no global warming, just a whole hell of a lot of bonfires that I made.
*Don’t waste time donating your old stuff to charity, Burn it! After all, you bought it, you should get all the joy from destroying it.
*Lost in the woods? Make a big fire. Bam! You’ve just been rescued by the forrest service.
*If you think you are going to Hell, put your face in your bonfire and consider it would feel for eternity.
*Bonfires come from the French root bon fier (Leave it to the French to steal an American passtime and call it their own)
*Use it as a means to preform your own (and if possible your own) cremations.
The list could probably go on, but I think I have done my part to get your wheels turning. Be creative and happy burning.
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Cowboy Vs. Ninja
Check out the video Bryant and I made. We plan on turning this into a web series so stay tuned :-) Future episodes will have more of a plot and dialog, but this is just the pilot to get things rolling. I'll eventually be making a myspace profile for it so in the meantime you can check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlmVUb6C2vc or just look at my page because I have it posted on there as well. Thanks everyone, hope you enjoy it.
Welcum To Preest Rivur
Have you ever put your hands in your pockets and pulled out some dollar bills that you had forgotten about? Then you are like "Holy shit! Where did that come from?" Well, that is the feeling America has in regards to Priest River Idaho. America earned it, now America has to decide how it is going to spend it...
I don't have any hard feelings towards Priest River or any of the villagers who live there, in fact I have found that they are all generally good people. But to an outsider passing through, it would look like a town that hit 1973 and came to a stop. Of course you will see some newer trucks driving around, but that is only because automakers don't produce the 73 models anymore.
While we are on the subject of methods of transportation, one thing that you will notice about Priest River is that everyone there drives a truck. Occasionally you will see one with a lift, big tires, smoke stacks etc. These are the people who opted to sleep in their trucks as opposed to buying a house or trailer with proper plumbing. And you wonder why the North Idaho woods are so green.
All this, however, makes Priest River the most self-sustaining city in the Union. I'm willing to bet that as long as there is a forest, Priest River will survive because 90% of the population there is involved in the logging industry. I heard about this Priest River logger who saw a Washington hiker widdeling a stick and the logger threw him into Nebraska. As you can see, they take pride in the logging industry in Idaho in much the same way a "Halo" nut covets their virginity. I'm willing to bet that when the nuclear holocaust hits, you will be able to drive through Priest River and be astonished at how little people have changed. Or perhaps Priest River is the mirror into the future; after all you are lucky to find someone with a full set of teeth and who do not look like they have experience the nuclear holocaust.
Priest River may lack some of the modern conveniences such as soap, but the laid back nature of the people make up for it. So next time you head to Priest Lake, take a scenic drive through Priest River because it will only take 20 seconds and possibly a new car if you cross a drunk driver with a lifted truck.
I don't have any hard feelings towards Priest River or any of the villagers who live there, in fact I have found that they are all generally good people. But to an outsider passing through, it would look like a town that hit 1973 and came to a stop. Of course you will see some newer trucks driving around, but that is only because automakers don't produce the 73 models anymore.
While we are on the subject of methods of transportation, one thing that you will notice about Priest River is that everyone there drives a truck. Occasionally you will see one with a lift, big tires, smoke stacks etc. These are the people who opted to sleep in their trucks as opposed to buying a house or trailer with proper plumbing. And you wonder why the North Idaho woods are so green.
All this, however, makes Priest River the most self-sustaining city in the Union. I'm willing to bet that as long as there is a forest, Priest River will survive because 90% of the population there is involved in the logging industry. I heard about this Priest River logger who saw a Washington hiker widdeling a stick and the logger threw him into Nebraska. As you can see, they take pride in the logging industry in Idaho in much the same way a "Halo" nut covets their virginity. I'm willing to bet that when the nuclear holocaust hits, you will be able to drive through Priest River and be astonished at how little people have changed. Or perhaps Priest River is the mirror into the future; after all you are lucky to find someone with a full set of teeth and who do not look like they have experience the nuclear holocaust.
Priest River may lack some of the modern conveniences such as soap, but the laid back nature of the people make up for it. So next time you head to Priest Lake, take a scenic drive through Priest River because it will only take 20 seconds and possibly a new car if you cross a drunk driver with a lifted truck.
My Tough Guy Checklist
I've been told by a few people now that I have a "tough guy" look. This has lead me to wonder if I really am a tough guy so I made a list of everything I feel it takes to be one. Here it is, enjoy.
[X] Had nose broken
[X] Ate gun powder
[X] Been attacked by a wild animal and won
[X] Been hit by a car
[X] Hit a car
[X] Scar on face
[X] Never cried
[X] Had heart broken... wait, what heart?
[X] Ate something you killed just because you could
[X] Went hunting with a knife and actually came back with something
[X] Been in a fight
[X] Prefer hard liquer straight
[X] Used hard liquer chased with hard liquer
[X] Been hit over the head with a chair and broke the chair
[X] Been asked to provide backup in case bullets start flying
[X] Been asked "How can you do that?"
[ ] Been shot
[X] Have not been shot because you are that damn skilled
[X] Best movie ever is the "Boondock Saints"
[X] Put your hand in boiling water because you knew the chicks dig it
[X] Watched "Fear Factor" and called every contestant who failed a wuss because you could do it... and have
[X] Wear a cowboy hat
Wow, I am really badass. Take the test if you want, but you might be disappointed with the results. I set a high bar.
[X] Had nose broken
[X] Ate gun powder
[X] Been attacked by a wild animal and won
[X] Been hit by a car
[X] Hit a car
[X] Scar on face
[X] Never cried
[X] Had heart broken... wait, what heart?
[X] Ate something you killed just because you could
[X] Went hunting with a knife and actually came back with something
[X] Been in a fight
[X] Prefer hard liquer straight
[X] Used hard liquer chased with hard liquer
[X] Been hit over the head with a chair and broke the chair
[X] Been asked to provide backup in case bullets start flying
[X] Been asked "How can you do that?"
[ ] Been shot
[X] Have not been shot because you are that damn skilled
[X] Best movie ever is the "Boondock Saints"
[X] Put your hand in boiling water because you knew the chicks dig it
[X] Watched "Fear Factor" and called every contestant who failed a wuss because you could do it... and have
[X] Wear a cowboy hat
Wow, I am really badass. Take the test if you want, but you might be disappointed with the results. I set a high bar.
Hand Print on the Window Pane
The thumb and four fingers
Are all that I really have left of you.
Just a glance towards the glass
Brings back the happy memories of you
Standing,
Pointing out the window and saying
"Wow!"At whatever you may see
out there. Now,Now that is all I have left.
The photos, the memories, the videos, but
The window pane with your little hand print
Is all I truly have. The only physical memory of you
That I can touch, and touch you again and again.
Laughing,
You looked at me with one hand on the glass
After you turned away from the Enourmous Earth
That you discovered.
The sun will set and stars will glimmer
And the moonlight will tickle your hand.
That spot will never vanish, never be cleaned.
I stare at that point and put my hand next to yours
Crying,
Bowing my head, chest throbbing
As I stumble to see the world as you did
And let a somber "wow," escape my lips.
*Miss you Branden*
Dad
Are all that I really have left of you.
Just a glance towards the glass
Brings back the happy memories of you
Standing,
Pointing out the window and saying
"Wow!"At whatever you may see
out there. Now,Now that is all I have left.
The photos, the memories, the videos, but
The window pane with your little hand print
Is all I truly have. The only physical memory of you
That I can touch, and touch you again and again.
Laughing,
You looked at me with one hand on the glass
After you turned away from the Enourmous Earth
That you discovered.
The sun will set and stars will glimmer
And the moonlight will tickle your hand.
That spot will never vanish, never be cleaned.
I stare at that point and put my hand next to yours
Crying,
Bowing my head, chest throbbing
As I stumble to see the world as you did
And let a somber "wow," escape my lips.
*Miss you Branden*
Dad
Wow, I am Doing a Triathalon
So thanks to T I have been motivated to participate in a triathalon. As to which triathalon I will be competing in has yet to be officially determined. So I have been doing the routine swimming, biking and running to get ready for it. But then I weighed myself today... I am up 7 pounds since last week, and it is not fat by any means. That makes me a cool 220 pounds. I blame the lifting. Even though I am working for lean muscle, I still pack on the muscle weight like a fat kid eating cake (I use to be one of those too ) The weight doesn't concern me, what does is the "What if" questions that follows...
Q: What if I start to drown during the swim?
A: Basically I am on my own because I don't think that the other competitors will be able to lift me with their average weight being around 150 (unless T is around because she is the only one I fear losing to in arm wrestling). Worse case scenario I will have to rip the shorts off of the nearest competitor. Not that it would save me, but it would make my trip to the bottom a lot more funny.
Q: What if one of the other competitors plays dirty and tries to kick me off of my bike?
A: I am actually hoping that this happens because the added weight would help me to stop and throw my bike at them to knock them off instead. Hopefully into oncoming traffic.
Q: What if during the run I collapse during the run?
A: Enjoy a two hour nap wait for T to come and carry me the rest of the way. (jk T... I'll only have to wait an hour and a half )
This has got me all stoked because my goal is to get the t-shirt at the end. That way when I wear it people will think that I am some super athlete (I am, but I am being modest because real men are modest). So watch out! The Juggernaute is swimming, biking and running in that order. But I would do them all simultaniously if they would allow it.
Q: What if I start to drown during the swim?
A: Basically I am on my own because I don't think that the other competitors will be able to lift me with their average weight being around 150 (unless T is around because she is the only one I fear losing to in arm wrestling). Worse case scenario I will have to rip the shorts off of the nearest competitor. Not that it would save me, but it would make my trip to the bottom a lot more funny.
Q: What if one of the other competitors plays dirty and tries to kick me off of my bike?
A: I am actually hoping that this happens because the added weight would help me to stop and throw my bike at them to knock them off instead. Hopefully into oncoming traffic.
Q: What if during the run I collapse during the run?
A: Enjoy a two hour nap wait for T to come and carry me the rest of the way. (jk T... I'll only have to wait an hour and a half )
This has got me all stoked because my goal is to get the t-shirt at the end. That way when I wear it people will think that I am some super athlete (I am, but I am being modest because real men are modest). So watch out! The Juggernaute is swimming, biking and running in that order. But I would do them all simultaniously if they would allow it.
I am the Manliest Dork
During the last week I have come to the conclusion that I am the manliest dork that I know. If it wasn't for my dashing good looks and hair on my knuckles, which women find intriquing, I would be right in the mix with all the other pasty skin kids you remember from high school. I got along with them very well BTW.
What prompted this was I was explaining Dante's Divine Comedy and in the middle of my brilliant lecture it dawned on me that I have spent a considerable amount of time researching one book! Not even the whole Comedy, but just one book of it. Am I ashamed? Nope. In fact I am proud of this dorkiness because when people see me they think "Crap this guy is big and probably dumb." Then I use words that they have to look up and they eventually cry themselves to sleep. On the other hand people see me as a dork and think "Wow, dorks have a Juggernaut on their side."
Tonight for example, I went to the gym, lifted some weights, swam a mile and didn't even sweat. Now I am typing this because I just enjoy writing (especially when it is about me because I am the most awesome subject I know). So am I a hybrid? You decide, but either way I still rock that much.
What prompted this was I was explaining Dante's Divine Comedy and in the middle of my brilliant lecture it dawned on me that I have spent a considerable amount of time researching one book! Not even the whole Comedy, but just one book of it. Am I ashamed? Nope. In fact I am proud of this dorkiness because when people see me they think "Crap this guy is big and probably dumb." Then I use words that they have to look up and they eventually cry themselves to sleep. On the other hand people see me as a dork and think "Wow, dorks have a Juggernaut on their side."
Tonight for example, I went to the gym, lifted some weights, swam a mile and didn't even sweat. Now I am typing this because I just enjoy writing (especially when it is about me because I am the most awesome subject I know). So am I a hybrid? You decide, but either way I still rock that much.
I Hate Sad Country Songs!
I absolutely hate sad country songs. I am not talking about the ones like Kenny Chesney's There Goes My Life or Montgomery Gentry's Lonely and Gone, I am talking about all the ones where the subject is losing your girl and then carrying on two and a half minutes of lyrics about how sad it feels. Boohoo. Grow up and move on. Life is too short to be sobbing in a corner and make believing that people feel sorry for you.
I understand that sad songs defined this whole genre, but come on, get off the barstool and make yourself useful. I love country music, but I don't sob and listen to it. I actually turn the channel when it starts playing some sob story.
This is all the more reason why we need more singers like Waylon Jennings. What songs are he famouse for? I'm a Ramblin Man, Midnight Rider, Mason Dixon Line, Good Ol' Boys etc. See a pattern? These songs in particular are all about not taking any crap and running from the law. Take these lines from I'm a Ramblin Man for instance...
"Left a girl in West Virginia,
Up there where that green grass grows,
Yes, I did. Another girl in Cincinnati,
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows,Poor girl!
I'm a ramblin' man,
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man."
Does he cry about girls left behind? Nope. In fact he is warning them not to fall for guys like him. He is doing a public service to everyone by warning them not to fall in love with a ramblin man. I think that he deserves a prize for doing such a distinguished service. I know that someone is thinking, "But Waylon Jennings sang some sad songs." Maybe, but he just did that to satisfy his lable. Don't question me, I know I am right.
Life comes hard. Don't waste any more of it sulking and listening to sad country songs and drive yourself into more of a depression. Get up and do something like go into the mountains and fight a cougar (my personal favorite anti depressant), or better yet GET ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND if you are so hung up about it. Until next time keep your chin up and eyes dry.
I understand that sad songs defined this whole genre, but come on, get off the barstool and make yourself useful. I love country music, but I don't sob and listen to it. I actually turn the channel when it starts playing some sob story.
This is all the more reason why we need more singers like Waylon Jennings. What songs are he famouse for? I'm a Ramblin Man, Midnight Rider, Mason Dixon Line, Good Ol' Boys etc. See a pattern? These songs in particular are all about not taking any crap and running from the law. Take these lines from I'm a Ramblin Man for instance...
"Left a girl in West Virginia,
Up there where that green grass grows,
Yes, I did. Another girl in Cincinnati,
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows,Poor girl!
I'm a ramblin' man,
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man."
Does he cry about girls left behind? Nope. In fact he is warning them not to fall for guys like him. He is doing a public service to everyone by warning them not to fall in love with a ramblin man. I think that he deserves a prize for doing such a distinguished service. I know that someone is thinking, "But Waylon Jennings sang some sad songs." Maybe, but he just did that to satisfy his lable. Don't question me, I know I am right.
Life comes hard. Don't waste any more of it sulking and listening to sad country songs and drive yourself into more of a depression. Get up and do something like go into the mountains and fight a cougar (my personal favorite anti depressant), or better yet GET ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND if you are so hung up about it. Until next time keep your chin up and eyes dry.
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