Prove you don't have a heart by fishing.

Imagine for a moment you are taking a casual stroll through the neighborhood. As you walk, you enjoy some of the simple pleasures in life such as whistling at girls while they hold their boyfriend's hand, feed hot sauce to small animals, and occasionally flip off a student driver or two (I flip them all off, but that is just me). Doing all this has burned a lot of calories because you really, really enjoy those simple pleasures, so you decide to grab some grub. You pick up your grub, and as soon as you bite into it, you feel the sharpened edge of an Israeli sheppard's herding staff rip through your cheek. He then proceeds to slam you into a wall as he calls you his bitch. Welcome to a day in the life of any given fish.

I'm not trying to sympathize with a creature as stupid as a fish, but I am trying to put into perspective how heartless and ball busting sweet fishing is. We through our lines into a body of water and wait for a fish to skewer itself on a sharp object that we deliberately placed there for that purpose. Meanwhile we, the fishers, sit in the comfort of our boat or the edge of a bank and drink beer. That way when we catch a fish we are too belligerent to remove the hook properly, so we just say to hell with it and rip it out. While we are at it, we beat the fish on a big fucking rock before tossing it in the basket. The fish's mindless wondering days are over because we just raided his home and obliterated his ass, and we bought a license to do it. That is yet another reason why America rules!

The only thing better than keeping the fish is releasing it. This is better than killing the fish because you fish simply for sport (translation: because you feel inclined to prove that nature is your bitch). Back to the analogy, this would be like the Israeli sheppard putting a huge ass hole in your cheek and then making you prance around in a biker bar. The fish is forever scarred and treats the wound like a scarlet letter, with disgrace. But what do you care? You just through it back into the water like the man on third base were stealing home.

I also find the equipment for fishing pretty amusing, like the flies for fly fishing. These absolutely confuse the shit out of fish. It would be like you biting into a hamburger, but then you realize it was a dish of ass munch surprise. The fish thought it had a delectable treat, but BAM! There was a hook in the fly's ass. Unfortunately all this equipment somehow entitled stereotypically fishermen to be inclined to wear those stupid hats with all the hooks pinned to it. It looks like a sorry ass crafts project that was meant as a Mother's Day present. Leave that crap stain fashion at home.

Fishing season is finally here and I am ready to kick some fish ass. Usually I play heavy metal on the way to the fishing hole to set the mood. Hold on to your poles, there is a lot of brainless fish waiting to be relieved of their pointless life. Don't believe me? You are doing them a favor. Just ask a fish and if it doesn't respond, you know you were right.