My List of the Biggest Badasses of Our Time

Snake Plissken from Escape from New York and Escape from LA:

He is quite possibly the only man who could fight a grizzly and win by default every time. Snake does not take shit from anybody and the only time he does something good for the world is when his own life is at stake. If this criteria is not met he will walk away even as the world deteriorates, kind of like our concern for the ozone layer. I am willing to bet that he is not afraid to piss on a corpse at an open casket funeral.

He surfed through a post apocalyptic LA on his way smear some ass all over the streets and never even got wounded seriously. In fact his biggest injury was the loss of his eye, but that just makes him a better aim and a more devastating killing machine. If it was not for him, I never would have bought an eye patch to wear around in middle school. Snake Plissken, man? No… legend.

The Punisher:

His family is dead and you can only measure his level of pissed offedness in megatons. What I love about the Punisher is that he has ceased to be a man and he acts more like a predator stalking its prey, and his prey is anyone who pisses him off. Unlike all the other comic book heroes, he does not need any super powers to kick ass. What he does have is Saddam's weapons stash that the UN never found in his basement. He is the only character that I know that has never been described properly, and that is because he is indescribable, but imaginable.
I went as the Punisher one day just for the hell of it and I pulled it off so well that people actually ran when they saw me and police officers asked me for help. So I did my job by going home to play the Punisher video game. If only he were real… oh how safe the world would be.
James Bond

Not much to say here other than he gets to pork chicks with sexually explicit names (ie. Pussy Galore) and he flies in a jet pack. Case closed, Bond wins yet again. But I happen to know that he is actually an American, which explains why he is able to accomplish the feats he does.

Clint Eastwood:

He is the only person who has played characters who were less badass than he is in real life. I'm sick of all these Chuck Norris facts because Clint Eastwood has done all that at least twice. On that note, it is a fact that he used only real bullets in his movies and whenever he got shot, he really got shot.

Clint is a real man. Even in his old age (which is only old to us, but in Clint Eastwood years he is 24), he still managed to marry a young wife, just like the American dream. Every morning he wakes up with dust in his eyes because his morning wood keeps punching holes in the ceiling. He may not be an immortal, but he is not going away until the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive so that he can hand their asses to them and be added to the bible. Look for the book of Eastwood coming to a bible near you.

Honorable mentions that didn't make the fucking list.

The Terminator from Terminator 1 - 3:

He would have made the list if it weren't for one small detail, he is a robot. That is an automatic disqualification in my book. If I were to add him I might as well add the 69 Camaro or the PS3 right next to him. Sorry Arnold, your character has just be terminated.

My Brother:(picture me, that should be a good enough of an image)
Sorry bro, I was born first. You lose, I win

Tony Montana from Scarface:
I loved Scarface and this character, but he got slaughtered at the end, proving that he was just a man after all. So close Tony, my heart goes out to you, but there is still hope if you are revived by a wizard and make a sequel. Too bad magic died with Santa Claus.