Thinking about home security, consider a chainsaw.

People spend millions of dollars each year on shitty home security equipment. If you were to go out and buy something to protect yourself at home, you would probably buy an alarm system or a gun. Wrong and wrong again. Here is why.

Alarm systems don't prevent thieves from breaking into your home, it just puts a time limit on how long they can take snatching your plasma screen TV and your daughter's virginity. Now that alarm system sign out front has become an eye sore instead of your boast to your neighbors. There's nothing like putting a sign up that says, "This house has an alarm system, so move fast while your steal my shit."

Then there are guns. Guns can be very convincing in the right hands, but if you shoot with the accuracy of a seizure victim, forget it. You either won't hit them and they will pound your ass, or worse you will wound them and then they will sue your ass. If that is the case, they just robbed you legally.

If you think tasers or pepper spray are a good tool, you have not hit puberty.

Here is what I suggest for home security, a chainsaw. No one dicks around with someone wielding a chainsaw. I'm willing to say that they are probably the most insane and diverse item you could own, and they are perfect for home security. Nothing makes an intruder's balls retract like the snarl of a chainsaw in the dark.

Here is the scenario. The intruder, who we will call Dave, breaks your back window under the cover of darkness and enters your house. He listens for the alarm or the cocking of a gun. "I'm safe," he thinks, "this will be simple." This bitch just thought wrong. What intruder Dave doesn't know is that you heard him come in and you reached for the chainsaw that is always kept underneath the bed. Intruder Dave wanders the house, but when he hears the growl of the chainsaw coming to life, he shits all the colors of the rainbow. What's worse is he can't tell is if you are coming down the hall or through the fucking wall. If the crook has not fled yet, find him and make him drop his wallet. Be sure to drag your chainsaw, thus carving lines into the floor for dramatic effect. After you take his wallet, hold the chainsaw above your head and give it full throttle. This will send him running and unable to achieve a boner for the next five years.

Bam! Just like that you defended your turf, robbed the thief, and gave yourself an excuse to redo your floor. All thanks to this one beastly machine.

Chainsaws come in all sizes, but regardless, when and intruder sees you buzzing with one towards them, all they can think is "I'm fucked!"