The War on Nature

When I was checking into my hotel in Las Vegas, the guy at the counter asked me where I was from. "Washington state" I told him.

"Ah, the northwest." He said, "Isn't there a lot of dangerous animals in the woods there?"

My douche bag sensors started buzzing at a ferocious rate. Instead of answering his question with a simple "What are you a dipshit?" I decided that this was a rare opportunity to practice my story telling skills since telling the truth is much too easy and boring. "Yes," I said, "it is like a warzone over there. Bears are what we have to fear the most because they like to wait for you to turn your back while you unlock your car to attack, or possibly molest you. Then there are the cougars who like to hunt kids who walk to school, so everyone has a fat kid or a paraplegic as a friend to abandon when one shows up. Worst of all, if you have sex in the woods, you are instantly mauled by badgers ."

Of course he didn't believe me, and the limp expression on his face confirmed it. This did, however, propel the realization that we are locked in a war with nature. A war we have been winning, but nature is starting to play dirty.

I remember the good ol' days when you could cut a tree down and burn it just for fun, but now nature has employed some double agents called environmentalists to brainwash Americans. They are a special interest group, ("special" because it implies handicapped) that fools others into thinking that cutting down trees and driving SUV's are going to bring on catastrophic environmental consequences. This might seem to make sense, but I have done research and have discovered that every environmentalist leader is actually the descendent of a Nazi officer. This wouldn't be the first time Nazism has attempted to re-educate a whole country. Don't be a Nazi, drill America for oil and buy a chainsaw.

Another threat that has arisen comes from man's former best friend… dogs. Occasionally, there would be a dog that bit someone, but these were just chalked up to dogs being animals of lower intelligence. We were wrong. I heard a recent incident of a pit bull who had been drinking heavily one night and snuck into his owner's bedroom and began humping his master while he slept. As if to say "Who's the bitch now?" The owner awoke to the dog thrusting against his back and tried to knock the dog off, but in the pit bull's drunken stupor, he held the man's head down with its jaws until it finished. The man is still in therapy and his wife divorced him. I never thought I would see the day where people would be sexually assaulted by their own pets in an attempt to breed out the human race. Do yourself and your family a favor by buying a chastity belt for your pets, or make one by using super glue and a 2 liter pop bottle.

The facts are undeniable; we are outnumbered by animals 130 to 1. Fortunately, people have met with success in their personal battles with woodland creatures, for example, a girl told her father that a squirrel was hiding in a nearby tree and she wanted to see it. The father looked around and picked up a jagged rock. He then told his daughter that he was going to throw the rock at the tree to get the squirrel to come out for her. The father spotted the furry devil and cocked his arm back and hurled the rock towards the squirrel. With a thud, the squirrel was knocked out of the tree and landed in front of the daughter, dead. As she cried, he told her it was an accident and that the asshole *cough* squirrel was just sleeping, but the grin on his face as he turned away said otherwise. Like any wise father, he knew that it was a safe bet the squirrel had rabies. He deserves a medal for accuracy.

I too have met with opposition from nature. One time while driving one of the back roads during the winter, I came across a goose standing defiantly in the middle of the icy road. I couldn't slow down for fear of sliding out of control, so I was forced into a game of chicken between a goose and a Dodge truck. It was probably expecting me to be like most drivers and swerve, but he overestimated my ability to give a shit. The goose made a "clonk" as it hit the bumper, but to my surprise it was still alive, and flying! I drove home as fast as possible and slept with a gun the whole night in case it followed me, as I'm sure it was pissed beyond belief.

Nature is a battleground. Next time you see a duck at the park begging for a piece of bread, think to yourself, is this an innocent action or is it trying to eliminate our food supply? Animals had their chance to run the world, but now we are here to straighten shit up. Don't support nature, consume it.