Bonfires are probably the most simple destructive force that mankind has invented, or rather improved upon. The formula is simple, pile up all the crap you can find laying around (sticks, branches, brush, grandmothers, your ex’s most prized possession that you never gave back) and light it on fire. This is especially harmful to nature which environmentalists hate as they are opposed to anything awesome. Just be sure to add some gasoline to make it as destructive as possible. Here are some things you can and should consider doing with your bonfires.
*Cook some steaks. Why settle for a little meat at a time when you could just torch a whole cow. Think of how efficient that would be.
*Warm yourself and everything else in a 50 foot radius. If it is dry weather, be ready to run and put the matches in a buddy’s pocket unnoticed so that if you get caught you can blame it on him. He would do the same to you so don’t feel bad.
*If it is winter, you probably need a tan and standing next to an inferno is the next best thing to basking in the sun.
*Bonfires, like St. Patrick’s Day, is an excuse to drink.
*Fact: there is no global warming, just a whole hell of a lot of bonfires that I made.
*Don’t waste time donating your old stuff to charity, Burn it! After all, you bought it, you should get all the joy from destroying it.
*Lost in the woods? Make a big fire. Bam! You’ve just been rescued by the forrest service.
*If you think you are going to Hell, put your face in your bonfire and consider it would feel for eternity.
*Bonfires come from the French root bon fier (Leave it to the French to steal an American passtime and call it their own)
*Use it as a means to preform your own (and if possible your own) cremations.
The list could probably go on, but I think I have done my part to get your wheels turning. Be creative and happy burning.
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