The Embodiment of Badass

Few things in this world have earned the designation of "Badass" from me. The only time I say that something is badass is when an animal gets run over at 100+ miles per hour, when someone cauterizes their own wound with a burning knife, or when I look in the mirror. The other day, however, I beheld a sight that made me more humble than someone begging not to get hit in the nuts.

I was driving down a popular road for spring time runners to see how many potential vehicle vs. jogger collisions I could have, then I noticed one runner that was opposed to all the others. I'd be willing to say that he was the product of a communion between Attila the Hun and Wonder Woman because he could easily change a tire without using a jack and just absolutely ripped. He wore a sleeveless shirt to display his tattoo, an American soldier waving a tattered American flag and flipping the bird in the other direction. As if to say, "I'm an American and I invented odorless shit." Even Clint Eastwood would have said, "Hot damn!"

Even an appearance like this does not warrant the title of badass, but what sent his score skyrocketing was that he was smoking a cigarette while he ran. That's right, he was killing his lungs as he was building them up. He did not give a flying elbow slam to a blind man's face about the dangers of smoking. He was going to enjoy that smoke regardless because his attitude could counteract any scientific fact.

After all of these came together I realized that he was not running because that implies fleeing, he was chasing the other runners ahead of him. Since he was smoking and running he needed an ashtray and runners are a good substitute for that, and he was moving faster than them.

I was in total awe. I could say without a doubt that he was the reigning silent king of ass kicking. As I drove past, an immediate feeling of being poorly endowed came over me. All I could do was tip my hat to the rearview mirror and dwell on the lessons I learned. I have an appointment to get a tattoo next week.