Vampire Romances are Fucking Stupid

I should have wrote this a long time ago, but it never occurred to me how much of a pandemic all these books and movies have become regarding vampire romances with people. It's a ridiculous molestation of an epic fictional being. Dracula never fell in love with Mina Harker, he bit the living shit out of her without her consent or a boring romance, and people loved it!

Somewhere along the line, vampires became sympathetic and emotional. Somehow they became pansies looking for a cure to their curse of drinking people's blood and being unable to fall in love when they should be sleeping in coffins, listening to heavy metal, going to night clubs, and eating people. That's what made them cool and interesting. Vampires can be diverse in their personality, but they shouldn't be falling in love with outcast high school girls and knocking them up. Anytime I feel that I could cock slap a vampire and piss on his broken body, means that some author or director fucked up.

Vampires use to be so fucking sweet, that people feared them. The last person they wanted to see at night was a vampire. Now I hear girls expressing how they wish they could have a romantic relationship with a vampire. Here's the trick girls, look for the guy wearing the black trench coat with all the chains hanging off of him, wearing the black eye shadow, and black lipstick. He's about as close to a vampire as you are going to get. Go ahead and follow your dreams and the real guys will stay grounded to reality here on Earth if you come back.

Werewolves have also started to shy away from their roots. Remember Teen Wolf in the 80's? That was without a doubt the dumbest piece of shit movie I've seen. Let's imagine for a moment a teenage werewolf that takes hold of his power and uses it to improve his basketball game. A ball crushing movie like that should be erased from history.

I'm happy that in the midst of all this, someone had the mind to do a remake of The Wolfman the right way. You won't find the Wolfman stalking young girls, bitching about his life, wishing he wasn't super badass, and running away from his problems like silly bitch. The Wolfman is perfectly fine with tearing people apart and eating them, just the way they were intended to do. Werewolves are almost mindless creatures who are just really good and eating things, and I mean people. Let them do their job and stop thinking about getting one as a boyfriend. If you don't want a convicted sadistic rapist as a lover, you shouldn't want to be boning a werewolf either.

If I were a werewolf or a vampire I would be pissed beyond comprehension that my image was being destroyed by writers of piss poor literature about supernatural romances. It would be enough for me to come out of my cave, dungeon, castle, basement, or whatever dark place I lived and seek out the daughter of an author of one of these books and impregnate her just so I could neglect to pay child support and bitch about a DNA test. That would be so romantic!

How not to look retarded when meeting a girl

Over the years I have met a lot of new people and many attractive women. All I really care about is the latter part of that sentence. In order to pick up on them you have to have the right moves to make a good impression, so here are some techniques that I have found to work best when meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex.

1. Be arrogant – No matter who they are, women love arrogance in guys. Take advantage of this as an opportunity to brag, hell even flat out lie about yourself. I can't begin to recall how many girls I have told that I was a member of SWAT, special forces, or an extra in an episode of Sex and the City (because what girl doesn't love that show?). Just remember that you know everything, so if they ask you a question that confuses you, just say "I won medals." They will be so impressed with your skill that they will love every word out of your mouth from here.

2. Flex – This goes along with arrogance. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, flex what you got because women love the beefcake. Don't worry if you can see bone through your skin, tell them it is because you are all endurance. To help with this, you can start exercising right in front of them like it is something that you do every day at that moment. Women love watching men do pull-ups or crunches. When I take women out on dates the first stop is always the gym and usually after a few reps they have to go wait in the car because they are so turned on.

3. If you got a gun, flash it – Usually women think you are crazy when you flash the trusty ol' iron at your side, so refrain from doing so unless… you follow with the comment, "You ought to see the .44 under my belt. They'll get the hint and it will be like catching fish in a barrel from there.

4. Show them your "custom" ride – When I say custom, I mean whatever you can lie about your car to make it seem unique (if you can't tell by now all relationships begin with lies, sorry but it's true). Show them your car and tell them all the "mods" you have made to it. I don't care if you have a stock 94 Taurus, tell them something along the lines of it is a sleeper and you taken out sports cars in this. They should be begging to drive it in no time, so play hardball and don't let them until they have begged for a good 45 minutes. When they get in the driver's seat they will have so many expectations that they will really believe that they are in a unique cruiser. Good job asshole, another success.

5. Take them out to eat, but… - have a small bag of finely ground pepper to put on whatever you are eating; the meatier the better. Pour the pepper on to your food and when they ask what it is, reply nonchalantly, "it's gunpowder." They will think you are so hardcore that you may have to take a pit stop at the bathroom together. Can you say home run?

I have done all these many times with tons of different women and I have met with success each time. Even though nothing ever came of any of these attempts immediately, I don't mind taking advanced credit for my endeavors. I always gave them my phone number, so I am expecting the calls to come pouring in any day now. I just hope that they don't come all at once so I don't miss any of them.