Vampire Romances are Fucking Stupid

I should have wrote this a long time ago, but it never occurred to me how much of a pandemic all these books and movies have become regarding vampire romances with people. It's a ridiculous molestation of an epic fictional being. Dracula never fell in love with Mina Harker, he bit the living shit out of her without her consent or a boring romance, and people loved it!

Somewhere along the line, vampires became sympathetic and emotional. Somehow they became pansies looking for a cure to their curse of drinking people's blood and being unable to fall in love when they should be sleeping in coffins, listening to heavy metal, going to night clubs, and eating people. That's what made them cool and interesting. Vampires can be diverse in their personality, but they shouldn't be falling in love with outcast high school girls and knocking them up. Anytime I feel that I could cock slap a vampire and piss on his broken body, means that some author or director fucked up.

Vampires use to be so fucking sweet, that people feared them. The last person they wanted to see at night was a vampire. Now I hear girls expressing how they wish they could have a romantic relationship with a vampire. Here's the trick girls, look for the guy wearing the black trench coat with all the chains hanging off of him, wearing the black eye shadow, and black lipstick. He's about as close to a vampire as you are going to get. Go ahead and follow your dreams and the real guys will stay grounded to reality here on Earth if you come back.

Werewolves have also started to shy away from their roots. Remember Teen Wolf in the 80's? That was without a doubt the dumbest piece of shit movie I've seen. Let's imagine for a moment a teenage werewolf that takes hold of his power and uses it to improve his basketball game. A ball crushing movie like that should be erased from history.

I'm happy that in the midst of all this, someone had the mind to do a remake of The Wolfman the right way. You won't find the Wolfman stalking young girls, bitching about his life, wishing he wasn't super badass, and running away from his problems like silly bitch. The Wolfman is perfectly fine with tearing people apart and eating them, just the way they were intended to do. Werewolves are almost mindless creatures who are just really good and eating things, and I mean people. Let them do their job and stop thinking about getting one as a boyfriend. If you don't want a convicted sadistic rapist as a lover, you shouldn't want to be boning a werewolf either.

If I were a werewolf or a vampire I would be pissed beyond comprehension that my image was being destroyed by writers of piss poor literature about supernatural romances. It would be enough for me to come out of my cave, dungeon, castle, basement, or whatever dark place I lived and seek out the daughter of an author of one of these books and impregnate her just so I could neglect to pay child support and bitch about a DNA test. That would be so romantic!

Kid Shows Today Blow

When I was younger, I recall cartoons having a lot of action and a tangible ongoing plot. It was always a battle between good and evil. Shows like GI Joe, Thundercats, and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles kicked so much ass that children grew up disciplined because of them. I can honestly say that I would not be who I am today if it hadn't been for quality programming like this. In fact, I know that I would not have as much hair on my chest if it had not been for them. Not only did the characters in these shows sink their foot two feet into the bad guys ass, there was also a moral lesson to each show which was blatantly divulged at the end. They were entertaining and educational.

Last Saturday I was flipping through the channels and I came across some cartoons. Two minutes into one of the shows, I felt that watching the water in the toilet go down was more entertaining. These shows have absolutely no point to them. Putting your kids in front of the shit that is on TV today is like hitting the pause button on their development. They don't learn one damn bit of useful information from these shows, unless you count bitching as a life lesson.

Just look at the characters in these shows compared to the older cartoons. Back in the glory days of animation, the characters were muscularly defined, serious, and took shit from nobody. If there was a problem, the characters didn't think twice about what they had to do, they picked up the first weapon they found and started their ass kicking. If there was firepower available, they pointed a gun and start blasting. Now the only cartoon character kids have to look up to is a fucking gender confused sponge.

Kids need to have a re-education in animated entertainment. Think of all the good that it would do for them. Childhood obesity would go on the decline because kids would want to go out and recreate the famous battles they see their cartoon heroes acting out. Calories are burned, kids get to be kids, and America wins. They would not be wasting time inside all day watching brainless television that teaches them to be limp wastes of space.

When I have kids I am going to break out the old VCR and make them watch the shows I used to watch. The formula worked out well for me the first time, so why shouldn't it work again?

Kids shows today blow, and with all the federal regulations on cartoons today the future does not look bright. Do your kids a favor and block these channels so they don't develope learning disabilities.