My List of the Biggest Badasses of Our Time

Snake Plissken from Escape from New York and Escape from LA:

He is quite possibly the only man who could fight a grizzly and win by default every time. Snake does not take shit from anybody and the only time he does something good for the world is when his own life is at stake. If this criteria is not met he will walk away even as the world deteriorates, kind of like our concern for the ozone layer. I am willing to bet that he is not afraid to piss on a corpse at an open casket funeral.

He surfed through a post apocalyptic LA on his way smear some ass all over the streets and never even got wounded seriously. In fact his biggest injury was the loss of his eye, but that just makes him a better aim and a more devastating killing machine. If it was not for him, I never would have bought an eye patch to wear around in middle school. Snake Plissken, man? No… legend.

The Punisher:

His family is dead and you can only measure his level of pissed offedness in megatons. What I love about the Punisher is that he has ceased to be a man and he acts more like a predator stalking its prey, and his prey is anyone who pisses him off. Unlike all the other comic book heroes, he does not need any super powers to kick ass. What he does have is Saddam's weapons stash that the UN never found in his basement. He is the only character that I know that has never been described properly, and that is because he is indescribable, but imaginable.
I went as the Punisher one day just for the hell of it and I pulled it off so well that people actually ran when they saw me and police officers asked me for help. So I did my job by going home to play the Punisher video game. If only he were real… oh how safe the world would be.
James Bond

Not much to say here other than he gets to pork chicks with sexually explicit names (ie. Pussy Galore) and he flies in a jet pack. Case closed, Bond wins yet again. But I happen to know that he is actually an American, which explains why he is able to accomplish the feats he does.

Clint Eastwood:

He is the only person who has played characters who were less badass than he is in real life. I'm sick of all these Chuck Norris facts because Clint Eastwood has done all that at least twice. On that note, it is a fact that he used only real bullets in his movies and whenever he got shot, he really got shot.

Clint is a real man. Even in his old age (which is only old to us, but in Clint Eastwood years he is 24), he still managed to marry a young wife, just like the American dream. Every morning he wakes up with dust in his eyes because his morning wood keeps punching holes in the ceiling. He may not be an immortal, but he is not going away until the four horsemen of the apocalypse arrive so that he can hand their asses to them and be added to the bible. Look for the book of Eastwood coming to a bible near you.

Honorable mentions that didn't make the fucking list.

The Terminator from Terminator 1 - 3:

He would have made the list if it weren't for one small detail, he is a robot. That is an automatic disqualification in my book. If I were to add him I might as well add the 69 Camaro or the PS3 right next to him. Sorry Arnold, your character has just be terminated.

My Brother:(picture me, that should be a good enough of an image)
Sorry bro, I was born first. You lose, I win

Tony Montana from Scarface:
I loved Scarface and this character, but he got slaughtered at the end, proving that he was just a man after all. So close Tony, my heart goes out to you, but there is still hope if you are revived by a wizard and make a sequel. Too bad magic died with Santa Claus.

How not to look retarded when meeting a girl

Over the years I have met a lot of new people and many attractive women. All I really care about is the latter part of that sentence. In order to pick up on them you have to have the right moves to make a good impression, so here are some techniques that I have found to work best when meeting an attractive member of the opposite sex.

1. Be arrogant – No matter who they are, women love arrogance in guys. Take advantage of this as an opportunity to brag, hell even flat out lie about yourself. I can't begin to recall how many girls I have told that I was a member of SWAT, special forces, or an extra in an episode of Sex and the City (because what girl doesn't love that show?). Just remember that you know everything, so if they ask you a question that confuses you, just say "I won medals." They will be so impressed with your skill that they will love every word out of your mouth from here.

2. Flex – This goes along with arrogance. It doesn't matter how big or small you are, flex what you got because women love the beefcake. Don't worry if you can see bone through your skin, tell them it is because you are all endurance. To help with this, you can start exercising right in front of them like it is something that you do every day at that moment. Women love watching men do pull-ups or crunches. When I take women out on dates the first stop is always the gym and usually after a few reps they have to go wait in the car because they are so turned on.

3. If you got a gun, flash it – Usually women think you are crazy when you flash the trusty ol' iron at your side, so refrain from doing so unless… you follow with the comment, "You ought to see the .44 under my belt. They'll get the hint and it will be like catching fish in a barrel from there.

4. Show them your "custom" ride – When I say custom, I mean whatever you can lie about your car to make it seem unique (if you can't tell by now all relationships begin with lies, sorry but it's true). Show them your car and tell them all the "mods" you have made to it. I don't care if you have a stock 94 Taurus, tell them something along the lines of it is a sleeper and you taken out sports cars in this. They should be begging to drive it in no time, so play hardball and don't let them until they have begged for a good 45 minutes. When they get in the driver's seat they will have so many expectations that they will really believe that they are in a unique cruiser. Good job asshole, another success.

5. Take them out to eat, but… - have a small bag of finely ground pepper to put on whatever you are eating; the meatier the better. Pour the pepper on to your food and when they ask what it is, reply nonchalantly, "it's gunpowder." They will think you are so hardcore that you may have to take a pit stop at the bathroom together. Can you say home run?

I have done all these many times with tons of different women and I have met with success each time. Even though nothing ever came of any of these attempts immediately, I don't mind taking advanced credit for my endeavors. I always gave them my phone number, so I am expecting the calls to come pouring in any day now. I just hope that they don't come all at once so I don't miss any of them.

Things You Learn Growing Up in the Country.

You can learn a lot by living in exclusion from civilization. I have had my share of life lessons simply by living in the woods. Some were no brainers, but others I could have only learned through experience. Here are some of the lessons learned.

· Don't wear steel toed boots when stirring up the fire with your foot

· If you sleep naked, eventually a mosquito will bite you on the penis. It happens.

· If bow hunting for a bear, wear running shoes.

· If you have been fishing all day and have not caught anything, go to the store, buy one and lie about it.

· You ARE NOT Dale Earnhardt

· Deer hate mankind, so eat them.

· If your trusty dog is anything less than a golden retriever, you are retarded.

· Carhartts are trendy all year round.

· Who needs to comb their hair? That's why God gave us hats.

· No shoes, no shirt = no job

· Women find calloused hands to be invigorating

· The sleeves on tee-shirts make excellent oil rags since you had to tear them off anyways.

· If your friend calls his SUV a truck, you are obligated to correct his sorry ass in any physically appropriate fashion.

· If you pour whiskey into your gas tank just to say it burns alcohol, you are the honorary dipshit of the day.

· Foreign beer is a myth, drink American.

· Unless you are a woman, a biker, or sporting a kick ass mullet, keep your hair short. Damn hippie.

· Hot sauce tastes great on ice cream and cereal. Try it.

· A burly chest of hair works well as a winter coat. If lost in the wood (which is impossible for me) I could burn it an make smoke signals.

· If you flex really really hard, the nearest squirrel will explode.

If some of these sound too fantastic to be true, it is because country living is fantastic. After all, HICK stands for Herculean Incarnated Country Kin. Don't believe me? Prove me wrong.