Things You Learn Growing Up in the Country.

You can learn a lot by living in exclusion from civilization. I have had my share of life lessons simply by living in the woods. Some were no brainers, but others I could have only learned through experience. Here are some of the lessons learned.

· Don't wear steel toed boots when stirring up the fire with your foot

· If you sleep naked, eventually a mosquito will bite you on the penis. It happens.

· If bow hunting for a bear, wear running shoes.

· If you have been fishing all day and have not caught anything, go to the store, buy one and lie about it.

· You ARE NOT Dale Earnhardt

· Deer hate mankind, so eat them.

· If your trusty dog is anything less than a golden retriever, you are retarded.

· Carhartts are trendy all year round.

· Who needs to comb their hair? That's why God gave us hats.

· No shoes, no shirt = no job

· Women find calloused hands to be invigorating

· The sleeves on tee-shirts make excellent oil rags since you had to tear them off anyways.

· If your friend calls his SUV a truck, you are obligated to correct his sorry ass in any physically appropriate fashion.

· If you pour whiskey into your gas tank just to say it burns alcohol, you are the honorary dipshit of the day.

· Foreign beer is a myth, drink American.

· Unless you are a woman, a biker, or sporting a kick ass mullet, keep your hair short. Damn hippie.

· Hot sauce tastes great on ice cream and cereal. Try it.

· A burly chest of hair works well as a winter coat. If lost in the wood (which is impossible for me) I could burn it an make smoke signals.

· If you flex really really hard, the nearest squirrel will explode.

If some of these sound too fantastic to be true, it is because country living is fantastic. After all, HICK stands for Herculean Incarnated Country Kin. Don't believe me? Prove me wrong.