Stuart, what a dick name.

The name "Stuart" does not fit me. If I ever met a guy named Stuart, I would have to perform a double cyclone kick to his head because his name sounds retarded. I'm no exception, but I have skills to prove that I am not, like taming mechanical bulls. I just need a name that fits my character like…

· Renegade

· Juggernaut

· PumpIron

· Shotgun

· Mr. Apocalypse

· Jacob Daniels (Since Jack Daniels is taken)

· Brickwall

· Bigasbullballs

· Thumb

I like the name "Thumb" most of all because the thumb has made every achievement of mankind possible. Think the pyramids could have been built without thumbs? No, unless you want to be technical and say that aliens did, then all bets are off. Thumbs are essential, just like me.

Stuart sounds about as cool as getting your cock stuck in the garbage disposal. I know that when people hear my name without seeing me they think that I suffer from asthma and a lack of sunlight. At least that is what they tell me, then they say that I don't look like a Stuart at all. I want a new name that will give children nightmares. That way when people hear my name they immediately know that I am an intimidating force and excellent in the art of head bashing.

On second thought, I'll stick with Stuart, Stu, Stewy, or any other variation people can come up with because getting your name changed requires filling out paperwork. I hate paper work more than my name, so in order to avoid that I will stick with my legal name and lie about what it really is to strangers from now on. As insanely sweet as it would be to put Bareknuckle Baxter on a job application, I'll have to pass because I am opposed to all work including paperwork. Filling out the forms would break my moral convictions so I am going to have to ditch this dream like a Mexican induced shit.