Bonfires are probably the most simple destructive force that mankind has invented, or rather improved upon. The formula is simple, pile up all the crap you can find laying around (sticks, branches, brush, grandmothers, your ex’s most prized possession that you never gave back) and light it on fire. This is especially harmful to nature which environmentalists hate as they are opposed to anything awesome. Just be sure to add some gasoline to make it as destructive as possible. Here are some things you can and should consider doing with your bonfires.
*Cook some steaks. Why settle for a little meat at a time when you could just torch a whole cow. Think of how efficient that would be.
*Warm yourself and everything else in a 50 foot radius. If it is dry weather, be ready to run and put the matches in a buddy’s pocket unnoticed so that if you get caught you can blame it on him. He would do the same to you so don’t feel bad.
*If it is winter, you probably need a tan and standing next to an inferno is the next best thing to basking in the sun.
*Bonfires, like St. Patrick’s Day, is an excuse to drink.
*Fact: there is no global warming, just a whole hell of a lot of bonfires that I made.
*Don’t waste time donating your old stuff to charity, Burn it! After all, you bought it, you should get all the joy from destroying it.
*Lost in the woods? Make a big fire. Bam! You’ve just been rescued by the forrest service.
*If you think you are going to Hell, put your face in your bonfire and consider it would feel for eternity.
*Bonfires come from the French root bon fier (Leave it to the French to steal an American passtime and call it their own)
*Use it as a means to preform your own (and if possible your own) cremations.
The list could probably go on, but I think I have done my part to get your wheels turning. Be creative and happy burning.
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Cowboy Vs. Ninja
Check out the video Bryant and I made. We plan on turning this into a web series so stay tuned :-) Future episodes will have more of a plot and dialog, but this is just the pilot to get things rolling. I'll eventually be making a myspace profile for it so in the meantime you can check it out at http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OlmVUb6C2vc or just look at my page because I have it posted on there as well. Thanks everyone, hope you enjoy it.
Welcum To Preest Rivur
Have you ever put your hands in your pockets and pulled out some dollar bills that you had forgotten about? Then you are like "Holy shit! Where did that come from?" Well, that is the feeling America has in regards to Priest River Idaho. America earned it, now America has to decide how it is going to spend it...
I don't have any hard feelings towards Priest River or any of the villagers who live there, in fact I have found that they are all generally good people. But to an outsider passing through, it would look like a town that hit 1973 and came to a stop. Of course you will see some newer trucks driving around, but that is only because automakers don't produce the 73 models anymore.
While we are on the subject of methods of transportation, one thing that you will notice about Priest River is that everyone there drives a truck. Occasionally you will see one with a lift, big tires, smoke stacks etc. These are the people who opted to sleep in their trucks as opposed to buying a house or trailer with proper plumbing. And you wonder why the North Idaho woods are so green.
All this, however, makes Priest River the most self-sustaining city in the Union. I'm willing to bet that as long as there is a forest, Priest River will survive because 90% of the population there is involved in the logging industry. I heard about this Priest River logger who saw a Washington hiker widdeling a stick and the logger threw him into Nebraska. As you can see, they take pride in the logging industry in Idaho in much the same way a "Halo" nut covets their virginity. I'm willing to bet that when the nuclear holocaust hits, you will be able to drive through Priest River and be astonished at how little people have changed. Or perhaps Priest River is the mirror into the future; after all you are lucky to find someone with a full set of teeth and who do not look like they have experience the nuclear holocaust.
Priest River may lack some of the modern conveniences such as soap, but the laid back nature of the people make up for it. So next time you head to Priest Lake, take a scenic drive through Priest River because it will only take 20 seconds and possibly a new car if you cross a drunk driver with a lifted truck.
I don't have any hard feelings towards Priest River or any of the villagers who live there, in fact I have found that they are all generally good people. But to an outsider passing through, it would look like a town that hit 1973 and came to a stop. Of course you will see some newer trucks driving around, but that is only because automakers don't produce the 73 models anymore.
While we are on the subject of methods of transportation, one thing that you will notice about Priest River is that everyone there drives a truck. Occasionally you will see one with a lift, big tires, smoke stacks etc. These are the people who opted to sleep in their trucks as opposed to buying a house or trailer with proper plumbing. And you wonder why the North Idaho woods are so green.
All this, however, makes Priest River the most self-sustaining city in the Union. I'm willing to bet that as long as there is a forest, Priest River will survive because 90% of the population there is involved in the logging industry. I heard about this Priest River logger who saw a Washington hiker widdeling a stick and the logger threw him into Nebraska. As you can see, they take pride in the logging industry in Idaho in much the same way a "Halo" nut covets their virginity. I'm willing to bet that when the nuclear holocaust hits, you will be able to drive through Priest River and be astonished at how little people have changed. Or perhaps Priest River is the mirror into the future; after all you are lucky to find someone with a full set of teeth and who do not look like they have experience the nuclear holocaust.
Priest River may lack some of the modern conveniences such as soap, but the laid back nature of the people make up for it. So next time you head to Priest Lake, take a scenic drive through Priest River because it will only take 20 seconds and possibly a new car if you cross a drunk driver with a lifted truck.
My Tough Guy Checklist
I've been told by a few people now that I have a "tough guy" look. This has lead me to wonder if I really am a tough guy so I made a list of everything I feel it takes to be one. Here it is, enjoy.
[X] Had nose broken
[X] Ate gun powder
[X] Been attacked by a wild animal and won
[X] Been hit by a car
[X] Hit a car
[X] Scar on face
[X] Never cried
[X] Had heart broken... wait, what heart?
[X] Ate something you killed just because you could
[X] Went hunting with a knife and actually came back with something
[X] Been in a fight
[X] Prefer hard liquer straight
[X] Used hard liquer chased with hard liquer
[X] Been hit over the head with a chair and broke the chair
[X] Been asked to provide backup in case bullets start flying
[X] Been asked "How can you do that?"
[ ] Been shot
[X] Have not been shot because you are that damn skilled
[X] Best movie ever is the "Boondock Saints"
[X] Put your hand in boiling water because you knew the chicks dig it
[X] Watched "Fear Factor" and called every contestant who failed a wuss because you could do it... and have
[X] Wear a cowboy hat
Wow, I am really badass. Take the test if you want, but you might be disappointed with the results. I set a high bar.
[X] Had nose broken
[X] Ate gun powder
[X] Been attacked by a wild animal and won
[X] Been hit by a car
[X] Hit a car
[X] Scar on face
[X] Never cried
[X] Had heart broken... wait, what heart?
[X] Ate something you killed just because you could
[X] Went hunting with a knife and actually came back with something
[X] Been in a fight
[X] Prefer hard liquer straight
[X] Used hard liquer chased with hard liquer
[X] Been hit over the head with a chair and broke the chair
[X] Been asked to provide backup in case bullets start flying
[X] Been asked "How can you do that?"
[ ] Been shot
[X] Have not been shot because you are that damn skilled
[X] Best movie ever is the "Boondock Saints"
[X] Put your hand in boiling water because you knew the chicks dig it
[X] Watched "Fear Factor" and called every contestant who failed a wuss because you could do it... and have
[X] Wear a cowboy hat
Wow, I am really badass. Take the test if you want, but you might be disappointed with the results. I set a high bar.
Hand Print on the Window Pane
The thumb and four fingers
Are all that I really have left of you.
Just a glance towards the glass
Brings back the happy memories of you
Standing,
Pointing out the window and saying
"Wow!"At whatever you may see
out there. Now,Now that is all I have left.
The photos, the memories, the videos, but
The window pane with your little hand print
Is all I truly have. The only physical memory of you
That I can touch, and touch you again and again.
Laughing,
You looked at me with one hand on the glass
After you turned away from the Enourmous Earth
That you discovered.
The sun will set and stars will glimmer
And the moonlight will tickle your hand.
That spot will never vanish, never be cleaned.
I stare at that point and put my hand next to yours
Crying,
Bowing my head, chest throbbing
As I stumble to see the world as you did
And let a somber "wow," escape my lips.
*Miss you Branden*
Dad
Are all that I really have left of you.
Just a glance towards the glass
Brings back the happy memories of you
Standing,
Pointing out the window and saying
"Wow!"At whatever you may see
out there. Now,Now that is all I have left.
The photos, the memories, the videos, but
The window pane with your little hand print
Is all I truly have. The only physical memory of you
That I can touch, and touch you again and again.
Laughing,
You looked at me with one hand on the glass
After you turned away from the Enourmous Earth
That you discovered.
The sun will set and stars will glimmer
And the moonlight will tickle your hand.
That spot will never vanish, never be cleaned.
I stare at that point and put my hand next to yours
Crying,
Bowing my head, chest throbbing
As I stumble to see the world as you did
And let a somber "wow," escape my lips.
*Miss you Branden*
Dad
Wow, I am Doing a Triathalon
So thanks to T I have been motivated to participate in a triathalon. As to which triathalon I will be competing in has yet to be officially determined. So I have been doing the routine swimming, biking and running to get ready for it. But then I weighed myself today... I am up 7 pounds since last week, and it is not fat by any means. That makes me a cool 220 pounds. I blame the lifting. Even though I am working for lean muscle, I still pack on the muscle weight like a fat kid eating cake (I use to be one of those too ) The weight doesn't concern me, what does is the "What if" questions that follows...
Q: What if I start to drown during the swim?
A: Basically I am on my own because I don't think that the other competitors will be able to lift me with their average weight being around 150 (unless T is around because she is the only one I fear losing to in arm wrestling). Worse case scenario I will have to rip the shorts off of the nearest competitor. Not that it would save me, but it would make my trip to the bottom a lot more funny.
Q: What if one of the other competitors plays dirty and tries to kick me off of my bike?
A: I am actually hoping that this happens because the added weight would help me to stop and throw my bike at them to knock them off instead. Hopefully into oncoming traffic.
Q: What if during the run I collapse during the run?
A: Enjoy a two hour nap wait for T to come and carry me the rest of the way. (jk T... I'll only have to wait an hour and a half )
This has got me all stoked because my goal is to get the t-shirt at the end. That way when I wear it people will think that I am some super athlete (I am, but I am being modest because real men are modest). So watch out! The Juggernaute is swimming, biking and running in that order. But I would do them all simultaniously if they would allow it.
Q: What if I start to drown during the swim?
A: Basically I am on my own because I don't think that the other competitors will be able to lift me with their average weight being around 150 (unless T is around because she is the only one I fear losing to in arm wrestling). Worse case scenario I will have to rip the shorts off of the nearest competitor. Not that it would save me, but it would make my trip to the bottom a lot more funny.
Q: What if one of the other competitors plays dirty and tries to kick me off of my bike?
A: I am actually hoping that this happens because the added weight would help me to stop and throw my bike at them to knock them off instead. Hopefully into oncoming traffic.
Q: What if during the run I collapse during the run?
A: Enjoy a two hour nap wait for T to come and carry me the rest of the way. (jk T... I'll only have to wait an hour and a half )
This has got me all stoked because my goal is to get the t-shirt at the end. That way when I wear it people will think that I am some super athlete (I am, but I am being modest because real men are modest). So watch out! The Juggernaute is swimming, biking and running in that order. But I would do them all simultaniously if they would allow it.
I am the Manliest Dork
During the last week I have come to the conclusion that I am the manliest dork that I know. If it wasn't for my dashing good looks and hair on my knuckles, which women find intriquing, I would be right in the mix with all the other pasty skin kids you remember from high school. I got along with them very well BTW.
What prompted this was I was explaining Dante's Divine Comedy and in the middle of my brilliant lecture it dawned on me that I have spent a considerable amount of time researching one book! Not even the whole Comedy, but just one book of it. Am I ashamed? Nope. In fact I am proud of this dorkiness because when people see me they think "Crap this guy is big and probably dumb." Then I use words that they have to look up and they eventually cry themselves to sleep. On the other hand people see me as a dork and think "Wow, dorks have a Juggernaut on their side."
Tonight for example, I went to the gym, lifted some weights, swam a mile and didn't even sweat. Now I am typing this because I just enjoy writing (especially when it is about me because I am the most awesome subject I know). So am I a hybrid? You decide, but either way I still rock that much.
What prompted this was I was explaining Dante's Divine Comedy and in the middle of my brilliant lecture it dawned on me that I have spent a considerable amount of time researching one book! Not even the whole Comedy, but just one book of it. Am I ashamed? Nope. In fact I am proud of this dorkiness because when people see me they think "Crap this guy is big and probably dumb." Then I use words that they have to look up and they eventually cry themselves to sleep. On the other hand people see me as a dork and think "Wow, dorks have a Juggernaut on their side."
Tonight for example, I went to the gym, lifted some weights, swam a mile and didn't even sweat. Now I am typing this because I just enjoy writing (especially when it is about me because I am the most awesome subject I know). So am I a hybrid? You decide, but either way I still rock that much.
I Hate Sad Country Songs!
I absolutely hate sad country songs. I am not talking about the ones like Kenny Chesney's There Goes My Life or Montgomery Gentry's Lonely and Gone, I am talking about all the ones where the subject is losing your girl and then carrying on two and a half minutes of lyrics about how sad it feels. Boohoo. Grow up and move on. Life is too short to be sobbing in a corner and make believing that people feel sorry for you.
I understand that sad songs defined this whole genre, but come on, get off the barstool and make yourself useful. I love country music, but I don't sob and listen to it. I actually turn the channel when it starts playing some sob story.
This is all the more reason why we need more singers like Waylon Jennings. What songs are he famouse for? I'm a Ramblin Man, Midnight Rider, Mason Dixon Line, Good Ol' Boys etc. See a pattern? These songs in particular are all about not taking any crap and running from the law. Take these lines from I'm a Ramblin Man for instance...
"Left a girl in West Virginia,
Up there where that green grass grows,
Yes, I did. Another girl in Cincinnati,
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows,Poor girl!
I'm a ramblin' man,
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man."
Does he cry about girls left behind? Nope. In fact he is warning them not to fall for guys like him. He is doing a public service to everyone by warning them not to fall in love with a ramblin man. I think that he deserves a prize for doing such a distinguished service. I know that someone is thinking, "But Waylon Jennings sang some sad songs." Maybe, but he just did that to satisfy his lable. Don't question me, I know I am right.
Life comes hard. Don't waste any more of it sulking and listening to sad country songs and drive yourself into more of a depression. Get up and do something like go into the mountains and fight a cougar (my personal favorite anti depressant), or better yet GET ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND if you are so hung up about it. Until next time keep your chin up and eyes dry.
I understand that sad songs defined this whole genre, but come on, get off the barstool and make yourself useful. I love country music, but I don't sob and listen to it. I actually turn the channel when it starts playing some sob story.
This is all the more reason why we need more singers like Waylon Jennings. What songs are he famouse for? I'm a Ramblin Man, Midnight Rider, Mason Dixon Line, Good Ol' Boys etc. See a pattern? These songs in particular are all about not taking any crap and running from the law. Take these lines from I'm a Ramblin Man for instance...
"Left a girl in West Virginia,
Up there where that green grass grows,
Yes, I did. Another girl in Cincinnati,
Waitin' where the Ohio River flows,Poor girl!
I'm a ramblin' man,
Don't give your heart to a ramblin' man."
Does he cry about girls left behind? Nope. In fact he is warning them not to fall for guys like him. He is doing a public service to everyone by warning them not to fall in love with a ramblin man. I think that he deserves a prize for doing such a distinguished service. I know that someone is thinking, "But Waylon Jennings sang some sad songs." Maybe, but he just did that to satisfy his lable. Don't question me, I know I am right.
Life comes hard. Don't waste any more of it sulking and listening to sad country songs and drive yourself into more of a depression. Get up and do something like go into the mountains and fight a cougar (my personal favorite anti depressant), or better yet GET ANOTHER GIRLFRIEND if you are so hung up about it. Until next time keep your chin up and eyes dry.
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