Dear Shitbag...

(Actual note I have hung on my front and back door in response to a series of recent house burglaries.)

To whoever desires to steal from this house,

It is only fair that I warn you in advance that the house you are about to break into is occupied by two persons familiar with the propper and effective use of firearms of many different calibers. I want to warn you ahead of time so that if you enter you will be prepared and present me with a more challenging target. At any given time there is at least one person in this house who knows how to use a gun, in fact we all do. I would also like to let you know that I prefer the 1911 which is a .45 handgun that has proven to be an effective tool in sending a piece of shit like you to the afterlife. I also load jacketed hollow point rounds which means that instead of going through you, the bullet will expand when it hits you causing tremendous damage to vital organs you never knew you had. To waste one bullet on you would hardly be worth the time it takes me to clean my gun afterward, so I will most likely fire a few rounds at you just to make it worth my effort. Don't forget my roomate(s) will probably be shooting at the same time and we all practice the double tap method. In case you don't know, this means that we will shoot you once in the chest and once in the head. Times that by three and... well you can probably figure the rest. Since you probably do not scope out your houses ahead of time know this, the door you are about to enter opens to a long hallway. This is not so much a hallway as it is a funnel that delivers you to us. Be assured we will see you before you see us. So if you would be so kind as to enter I would greatly appreciate the target practice. Cardboard cutouts are getting tiresome, even at 300 yards.

Sincerely,
The residents of this house.

PS. Fuck you.