I should have wrote this a long time ago, but it never occurred to me how much of a pandemic all these books and movies have become regarding vampire romances with people. It's a ridiculous molestation of an epic fictional being. Dracula never fell in love with Mina Harker, he bit the living shit out of her without her consent or a boring romance, and people loved it!
Somewhere along the line, vampires became sympathetic and emotional. Somehow they became pansies looking for a cure to their curse of drinking people's blood and being unable to fall in love when they should be sleeping in coffins, listening to heavy metal, going to night clubs, and eating people. That's what made them cool and interesting. Vampires can be diverse in their personality, but they shouldn't be falling in love with outcast high school girls and knocking them up. Anytime I feel that I could cock slap a vampire and piss on his broken body, means that some author or director fucked up.
Vampires use to be so fucking sweet, that people feared them. The last person they wanted to see at night was a vampire. Now I hear girls expressing how they wish they could have a romantic relationship with a vampire. Here's the trick girls, look for the guy wearing the black trench coat with all the chains hanging off of him, wearing the black eye shadow, and black lipstick. He's about as close to a vampire as you are going to get. Go ahead and follow your dreams and the real guys will stay grounded to reality here on Earth if you come back.
Werewolves have also started to shy away from their roots. Remember Teen Wolf in the 80's? That was without a doubt the dumbest piece of shit movie I've seen. Let's imagine for a moment a teenage werewolf that takes hold of his power and uses it to improve his basketball game. A ball crushing movie like that should be erased from history.
I'm happy that in the midst of all this, someone had the mind to do a remake of The Wolfman the right way. You won't find the Wolfman stalking young girls, bitching about his life, wishing he wasn't super badass, and running away from his problems like silly bitch. The Wolfman is perfectly fine with tearing people apart and eating them, just the way they were intended to do. Werewolves are almost mindless creatures who are just really good and eating things, and I mean people. Let them do their job and stop thinking about getting one as a boyfriend. If you don't want a convicted sadistic rapist as a lover, you shouldn't want to be boning a werewolf either.
If I were a werewolf or a vampire I would be pissed beyond comprehension that my image was being destroyed by writers of piss poor literature about supernatural romances. It would be enough for me to come out of my cave, dungeon, castle, basement, or whatever dark place I lived and seek out the daughter of an author of one of these books and impregnate her just so I could neglect to pay child support and bitch about a DNA test. That would be so romantic!
Thursday, February 25, 2010
Dear Shitbag...
(Actual note I have hung on my front and back door in response to a series of recent house burglaries.)
To whoever desires to steal from this house,
It is only fair that I warn you in advance that the house you are about to break into is occupied by two persons familiar with the propper and effective use of firearms of many different calibers. I want to warn you ahead of time so that if you enter you will be prepared and present me with a more challenging target. At any given time there is at least one person in this house who knows how to use a gun, in fact we all do. I would also like to let you know that I prefer the 1911 which is a .45 handgun that has proven to be an effective tool in sending a piece of shit like you to the afterlife. I also load jacketed hollow point rounds which means that instead of going through you, the bullet will expand when it hits you causing tremendous damage to vital organs you never knew you had. To waste one bullet on you would hardly be worth the time it takes me to clean my gun afterward, so I will most likely fire a few rounds at you just to make it worth my effort. Don't forget my roomate(s) will probably be shooting at the same time and we all practice the double tap method. In case you don't know, this means that we will shoot you once in the chest and once in the head. Times that by three and... well you can probably figure the rest. Since you probably do not scope out your houses ahead of time know this, the door you are about to enter opens to a long hallway. This is not so much a hallway as it is a funnel that delivers you to us. Be assured we will see you before you see us. So if you would be so kind as to enter I would greatly appreciate the target practice. Cardboard cutouts are getting tiresome, even at 300 yards.
Sincerely,
The residents of this house.
PS. Fuck you.
To whoever desires to steal from this house,
It is only fair that I warn you in advance that the house you are about to break into is occupied by two persons familiar with the propper and effective use of firearms of many different calibers. I want to warn you ahead of time so that if you enter you will be prepared and present me with a more challenging target. At any given time there is at least one person in this house who knows how to use a gun, in fact we all do. I would also like to let you know that I prefer the 1911 which is a .45 handgun that has proven to be an effective tool in sending a piece of shit like you to the afterlife. I also load jacketed hollow point rounds which means that instead of going through you, the bullet will expand when it hits you causing tremendous damage to vital organs you never knew you had. To waste one bullet on you would hardly be worth the time it takes me to clean my gun afterward, so I will most likely fire a few rounds at you just to make it worth my effort. Don't forget my roomate(s) will probably be shooting at the same time and we all practice the double tap method. In case you don't know, this means that we will shoot you once in the chest and once in the head. Times that by three and... well you can probably figure the rest. Since you probably do not scope out your houses ahead of time know this, the door you are about to enter opens to a long hallway. This is not so much a hallway as it is a funnel that delivers you to us. Be assured we will see you before you see us. So if you would be so kind as to enter I would greatly appreciate the target practice. Cardboard cutouts are getting tiresome, even at 300 yards.
Sincerely,
The residents of this house.
PS. Fuck you.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
Updating... it may take a while.
I'm going through all my old notebooks of stuff I've wrote and I'll have them posted soon. I have a few stored in Myspace that I need to transfer over, but I'll get to it eventually. I work and making money is always going to take precedence over me bitch slapping the world and pinpointing flaws that the overall population has overlooked.
Planning for the Future.
There is no avoiding the fact that we are all going to die. I've been to a few funerals, and the one thing that is common at all of them is people crying like bitches. It's outright annoying that I am trying to listen to the preacher talk about the deceased life and what is in store for them in the next, and this assholes keeps balling and drawing attention to themselves. Nobody should dare cry at my funeral and take the final attention I'll ever get off of me. There are some fail safes that I am going to have at my funeral to ensure that bullshit criers don't spoil it.
First thing that needs to go is the organ, piano, or whatever musical instrument they may have. Those instruments blow harder than whores on meth. I've never listened to those instruments so why the hell should I have them played at my funeral? I want a motherfucking DJ equipped with lights and smoke! If you are attending, you won't have to fear sitting through song after rustic song, you'll be jamming out to "Paradise City" by Guns'n'Roses as they walk my casket up. Anyone caught crying will be pummeled by security using my limbs as blunt striking tools.
Don't worry about the eulogy portion, because there's not going to be one. Eulogies are bullshit because they are almost the same cut and paste speech, and who really appreciates them? I just want this portion of my funeral omitted, and have everyone just pound back some beers. In fact, it would be awesome if everyone at my funeral got shit faced! That way people could say their final goodbyes and be truthful without the rehearsed dialogue they came up with in the car ride over.
Another flaw that I find in funerals is that the deceased is placed inside the casket in a suite... that's it. Where did our tradition of burying someone with money and earthly possessions come to an end. I know, it was when some greedy dick came up with inheritance. Fuck that. Give me an Armani suite, a crown and stuff all my valued possessions into that damn box with me. I'm not going to leave an inheritance. I earned all my stuff, and I sure as hell am going to take it with me. I'm a proponant of hard work and anyone who wants what I have can dip their ball sack in a vice clamp.
When everyone is drunk off their ass, the final entertainment for the evening could be trying to carry my casket out of the church without spilling me all over my loved ones.
Of course, I don't want to be put in the ground and left with all the other mundane bodies. I would rather have all my possessions burned and my body donated to science so that studies could be made on how to better improve the gene pool using me as the example.
First thing that needs to go is the organ, piano, or whatever musical instrument they may have. Those instruments blow harder than whores on meth. I've never listened to those instruments so why the hell should I have them played at my funeral? I want a motherfucking DJ equipped with lights and smoke! If you are attending, you won't have to fear sitting through song after rustic song, you'll be jamming out to "Paradise City" by Guns'n'Roses as they walk my casket up. Anyone caught crying will be pummeled by security using my limbs as blunt striking tools.
Don't worry about the eulogy portion, because there's not going to be one. Eulogies are bullshit because they are almost the same cut and paste speech, and who really appreciates them? I just want this portion of my funeral omitted, and have everyone just pound back some beers. In fact, it would be awesome if everyone at my funeral got shit faced! That way people could say their final goodbyes and be truthful without the rehearsed dialogue they came up with in the car ride over.
Another flaw that I find in funerals is that the deceased is placed inside the casket in a suite... that's it. Where did our tradition of burying someone with money and earthly possessions come to an end. I know, it was when some greedy dick came up with inheritance. Fuck that. Give me an Armani suite, a crown and stuff all my valued possessions into that damn box with me. I'm not going to leave an inheritance. I earned all my stuff, and I sure as hell am going to take it with me. I'm a proponant of hard work and anyone who wants what I have can dip their ball sack in a vice clamp.
When everyone is drunk off their ass, the final entertainment for the evening could be trying to carry my casket out of the church without spilling me all over my loved ones.
Of course, I don't want to be put in the ground and left with all the other mundane bodies. I would rather have all my possessions burned and my body donated to science so that studies could be made on how to better improve the gene pool using me as the example.
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